We were pricing goats to sacrifice at our annual homage to His Majestic Lord Corona Of The Persistent Cough and Goddess Matilda Of The Brazilian Variant & Carnivorous Vagina when we discovered Amazon and Fresh Direct could not guarantee delivery. The good news was our local chapter of MS-13 was selling Sacrificial Iguanas and would put us on a waiting list for a small Honduran child—and yet neither seemed quite in the holiday spirit as an old fashioned goat.
Last year when we danced naked around the pentagram wearing 3 masks, banging pots to honor the medical staff who showed up to work , beating our breasts to honor everybody who died of anything ever, the goat seemed to join in on the festivities. At least he did until we drank his blood and threw him in the bonfire
Next year we won’t put off shopping until the last minute even if the Biden administration expands the list of acceptable sacrificial animals beyond goats, iguanas or small children. And we certainly won’t be lulled into believing sacrificial ceremonies will grow passé in light of the growing list of existential threats on the horizon. Governor Cuomo is currently offering citizens a 16 hour on-line course to prepare for the pandemic expected next November. If you don’t believe that’s on the horizon , it’s a safe bet your needle marks are not all from vaccines.
Nor are we waiting for the Biden Administration –citing the lack of vaccine availability in the EU and pretty much everywhere else Trump was not president – to announce no one can leave the country without a “reasonable excuse.”
No! Hell No! We are planning to get the Hell Out Of Here ASAP. And if they stop us at the border these will be our 1036 reasonable excuses : (see reasons 1 & 2 above):
- The USA is now controlled by a mob composed of either mentally ill people or people who aspire to mental illness. Mental illness in any form will qualify one for Social Security disability checks, free food, shelter and medical ( with dental coming). The mental illnesses include feeling “down in the dumps” for more than 24 hours, unhappiness with one’s sexual identity , skin color or Netflix choices. We don’t believe there’s enough tin foil in the world to protect us from national brain death.
- It seems pointless to remain in a country which has decided to eradicate its entire history and have it rewritten by a tiny minority of intellectually challenged affirmative action types who feel qualified because they watched every installment of the Game Of Thrones.
- Corporate virtue signaling in its most egregious form –i.e. the advertising industry—is presenting a fantasy picture of what the country actually is and expecting the entire population to conform to a frankly absurd standard. Also, we don’t feel like transitioning to 300 pound black female to get a deal on a Prius or a half off at Popeye’s
- The country seems bent on taking seriously the densest , whiniest and most self- absorbed segment of the population –THE YOUNG—and actually listening to what they have to say and worrying about how they feel. Sooner or later, the voting age will be 16 and we will be subject to the whims of a minority who think acne is a national health crisis
- Jet skis, off-road motorcycles, engine sound enhancement vehicles , stereo blasting low rider automobiles with bass notes capable of loosening the teeth of passers-by and breaking up the macadam seem to be the only freedom of expression still protected by the First Amendment.
- Rap, hip-hop with lyrics of unrelieved coarseness extoling the virtues of bangin’ de bitches or smokin’ dawg shot wit de niggas is considered by schools , psychologists, youth workers as a healthy outlet comparable in artistic merit to white supremacists like Mozart and Bach.
- The notion we are not allowed to criticize the lifestyle choices of people shitting in the street or shooting up on playgrounds.
- The banning of any discussion on social media questioning of the wisdom of Joe Biden , Nancy Pelosi , Chuck Schumer , Tony Fauci , Rachel Levine , the cast of CNN
- California , New York, Illinois, Massachusetts , Oregon, New Jersey, D.C.
Reasons 12 through 1035 : Andrew Cuomo, the NY State Legislature, Bill De Blasio , the NYC City Counsel
Reason 1036 : Bill Clinton & Kamala giving lectures on Women Workplace Rights.