The Butt Dial

"Because The Only Thing Funnier Than Fart Jokes Are Duck Fart Jokes" Friedrich Nietzsche


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San Francisco: The City And Saint Of Imagine No Possessions

St. Francis Of Assisi

Frank was a spoiled rich kid who started a “We Hate Daddy Club.” after getting tossed out by his old man. The club got sponsors, uniforms and grew so popular it got the backing of the Pope . In the 900 odd years since,  Frank simple message  has inspired Al Qaida , BLM, Antifa, Code Pink , PETA, the Pelosi Wing of the Democrat Party,  the general run of post- rational  cunts and dicks we call Karens or Basement Bobs,  Bolsheviks , Nazis ,  Netflix and The Ad Council.  Thirty nine modern cities are named for Frank , including “We Shit In The Street To Show How Much We Hate Daddy,” San Francisco, USA.

    How relevant is Frank today ? Polls tell us 73% of  college educated Millennials, Gen-Z-ers and 100% of dead Boomers who voted for Biden say they can “totally relate ” to the following scenario:

    You’re 18. The old man discovers  you ripped him off to score 8-Balls and moments later finds you wasted in S&M gear humping his mistress , his pet goat and a young boy. A nuclear grade shit fit ensues : the old man divorces your mom for indulging your alcoholic gayness and  orders you to shave the beard, lose the eyeliner, sober up  and sell his silk shmatas in the bazaar. A week later you get busted selling weed to a cop, the old man gets a golfing buddy judge to put you in the army, you get captured five minutes into the first battle and spend the next years in a Perugia prison as a butt boy for an ape called Bernardo El Spaniardo.  

     After this happened at least four times with only slight variations (Bernardo El Spaniardo was pardoned in 1203 and replaced by a bull orangutan)  , Frank returned to his home town of Assisi in 1205 : age 22, bitter, butt sore and angrier  than a 2020 Basement Bob with  a BA in Transsexual Studies , 150 grand in debt and 3rd degree jack off burns.  After gathering  all his friends, lovers, drug suppliers together he stunned  them with this announcement:   

     “I am going to marry a fairer bride than any of you have ever seen ‘Lady Poverty.’”

    Try putting this header on your Zoosk or Elite Singles  profile, even today, and  e-mail from porn sites will taper off. In  Frank’s day aka The Dark Ages when most died before age ten from plague or starvation , the statement was thought slightly  eccentric. 

      What Frank intended  was to embarrass  his old man by dancing raggedy ass and barefoot for pennies  in the bazaar. Then , it  was a major innovation.  Psychiatrists  today, of course,  recognize  this form of rebellion as  a  natural phase of adolescence which often lasts  through the child’s first marriage into his early fifties.

   Against all expectations  , the act caught on. Frank added troubadour music , booked animal acts , honed his one liners –crowds grew, groupies grouped, bucks rolled in. A wealthy widow named Clare formed a ladies auxiliary called The Daddy De-Ballers  ( footnote: in 1958 the Catholic Church declared Clare  Patron Saint Of Television and her now named Poor Sisters of Clare convents still dot the globe).

       To no one’s surprise –at least no one who has witnessed anyone rise from butt boy to celebrity almost overnight  (think Beto O’Rourke , Ellen DeGeneres , Justin Trudeau) —success  greatly expanded   Frank’s head.

          “I’m bigger than Jesus! Seriously , think about it.”

   Fortunately for Frank his timing could not have been more exquisite.

      The Catholic Church had inherited all the land and influence of the Roman Empire. Although it didn’t have Ancient Rome’s armed legions, every European was a baptized Catholic  and feared eternal damnation plus unemployment if he or she disobeyed any of its ever-changing laws. And yet,  in an age with less than .01% literacy rate , word was spreading that corruption in Rome had reverted to the bad old days  of Caligula. And worse, the Church was nearly broke.

      Pope Innocent III objected  :  ”Corrupt ? How the fuck can we be corrupt and be fucking bankrupt?   We need cash to outfit an army because the Allah loving sand jigs have taken over Jerusalem, the fucking Hebes who own the wine stores are threatening cut us off and the even the fucking  hookers are talking about unionizing.” 

    With the help of his mom –a former French model who the College Of Cardinals voted Ms. Party Girl of 1207 AD –Frank got an interview with the Pope.

Innocent III—“Why aren’t you at least wearing a tie? I know we all got casual during the Black Death lockdowns   –but a horse blanket tied with rope ? “

Frank – “ I am into Poverty. And Sacrifice. ”  

Innocent III—“So am I , but not by choice –I got spider webs across my asshole—“

Frank—“Tut. Tut. You remember when Buddha came across starving tigers and offered his body so they could live ? ”

Innocent III was about to say he liked the one about Little Black Sambo turning tigers into pancakes better but decided Frank wasn’t into   humor —“And you’re making a buck with stuff like this ?”

Frank—“Do you honestly think people want to contribute to cathedrals and obese prelates ? Messaging like : we’re fat and happy because God’s likes us  ? People respond to hard luck stories, melodrama, victims—“

Innocent III—“Seriously?”    

    Frank brought in Murray his accountant and had him open the books.

Innocent III—“Just one tiny quibble. I am the Pope. That means Holy Father or Big Daddy. I can’t see how the Church can have a religious order called the We Hate Daddy Club. How about we call your group The Franks and we split 50-50 on the take ?

Murray the Accountant : “Can we deduct Salaries, Commissions,  Travel & Entertainment?”  

Innocent III- “Done.”

          And that kiddies is why we see reproductions of the saint that made it all possible in the offices of The Clinton Global Initiative , The Biden Cancer Initiative ,  Sharpton’s  National Action Network & KARS4 KIDS


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