By Mr. Dr. Professor Diogenes Teufelsdrockh
We have been informed by virtually every public voice, from the Grand Viziers of The New York Times to the Mayor and Mayoress of Toy Town, that we must offer our most humble obeisances to the saintly women who were once deflowered by the Great Satanic Trouser Hitler: William Henry Cosby, Jr.–age 80 ; particularly if we own, hope to own or plan at some point to strap on a dick.
That these 60 females , all of whom , to put it charitably , well past their sell-by date, have demonstrated immense courage in stepping forward to tell the world that in a long ago era they were so drop dead gorgeous that the biggest name in Show Biz lured them up to his lair with a promise to advise them on how best to advance their careers in the Hollywood flesh trade , but instead –to their complete surprise and continuing anguish and horror—proceeded to ply them with liquor AND DRUGS! with the sole purpose of getting into their pants.
And the reason they can recall every detail of this one evening ? Not, as more than one cynic has suggested , because they have been rehearsing the details in their local pubs for decades , or that from time to time they let slip salacious tidbits in idle chit chat with strangers on public transportation or because the subject of being seduced by celebrities comes up quite often grocery store checkout lines , but because the psychic trauma was , as one victim put it, “beyond all imagining.” Actually ,not all that much beyond all imagining , if you happened to have been a sentient being on the planet for the past three years with access to any form of media (including drum, smoke signal or semaphore) , but here’s the thing :
Once one has waded through the heartbreaking recitations of how many sought comfort in food and soon became unable to pass up second helpings or pie stores; or how that night was the first time they’d tried a drink/drug combo and how it has taken until last Sunday to kick the jones; or how these poor creatures became prey to even darker compulsions which resulted in finding themselves being roughly escorted from casting calls for Roseanne and WrestleMania ; or the tearful, breast beating accounts of long, hopeless, sepia toned years hopping from one futon to the next while following the fleet.
And once one has regained one’s mental footing after hearing the shocking costs of shrinks and anti-depressants , shared the national despondency when the first trial ended in a hung jury and empathized with jurors so overcome by mind numbing tedium they tried to take the hung jury concept to the next level by literally trying to hang themselves in the bathroom on multiple occasions or more dramatically registering boredom by attempting to suffocate themselves with plastic bags in full view of the courtroom — after all that and far too much more , what exactly did all the sturm and drang add up to in the final analysis? Here’s our opinion :
They all loved being thought of as young and beautiful and THEY FUCKING HATED BEING OLD.
Now to be absolutely fair to these women it should be noted that all of the above is an educated guess. We didn’t actually watch any of the trials , nor pay attention to news stories about the trials , nor can we recall engaging in a conversation on the matter. No, our impressions –which we nonetheless stand by –came to us , as we suspect it did for 99% of the male population, almost completely by osmosis. And while this is not a recommended method to grasp the principles of , say, electrical engineering or heart surgery , it is more than adequate to know all that’s worth knowing about the mental landscape of one time failed actresses, now feminist nut cases and their harrowing quest for media validation through victim hood.
That said , what strikes us most about the Cosby case is how it all played into the hands of an entirely different brand of haters : militant anti- old people groups. After glimpsing close –ups of the frown lines on the dried up shrews testifying against Cosby—indeed after taking a gander at Cosby himself in his current state of disrepair — most terrifyingly on the high def Jumbo-Tron in Times Square –can there be any doubt that far too many idle minds were tempted to don jack boots and kick some wrinkly ass?
If this wasn’t bad enough , it’s obvious the Cosby trial has fueled an entirely new and darker strain of Ageism that victimologists are calling ERA-ISM –roughly defined as judging a past era by the standards of the current era.
Basement dwelling Millennials marinated in politically and socially correct lunacy are particularly guilty of ERA-ISM and seem blissfully unaware of just how pernicious and ugly this bias can be .
Therefore as a public service –listen up snow flake:
Suppose you were one of the Yale social justice warriors who censored privileged white students for donning Mexican costumes on Halloween because you felt they were unfairly appropriating another culture. Now let’s further suppose you rallied hard for the impeachment of Donald Trump , successfully took down his administration and installed Chelsea Clinton as the 46th U.S. President.
Fast forward 20 years and it is more than likely you’ll find yourself working 7 days a week on a rice paddy somewhere in the Louisiana swamp lands. It’s also likely a number of your fellow workers will be dropping dead due to sunstroke. To keep production up the Chinese Army cadre decide to distribute Made in Tijuana sombreros. That night you tell your Yale Halloween story to your barrack’s mates simply to lighten the mood. Unfortunately, someone rats you out to one of the guards. And even more unfortunately, the camp commandant gets wind of the incident and makes you stand up in front of the whole camp to perform the Mexican Hat Dance on ukulele and kazoo.
Perversely, your performance is a big hit with the commandante –he often sits in the front row rubbing a boner –and he makes you perform at every meal and assembly for the next two years. That is, until he finds a vinyl record of La Cucaracha. Whereupon he makes you add castanets and dance steps to your routine and after only two performances you become the undisputed holder of the title Biggest A-hole On Earth
The point is this : can you understand how very little you’ll give a shit about Mexican feelings about their culture just a couple of decades from now if this scenario comes to pass? But here is why this is important to our discussion :
While it might sound really, really bad that Bill Cosby fed drugs to women 40 years ago to have sex with them , what everybody seems to be forgetting –especially those who lived through that era – is this : everybody was taking drugs all the time. Seriously , not an exaggeration : every man , woman , child and pet on the East Coast , the West Coast, The Upper Middle West , The South, most certainly Hawaii , plus all of Europe West of the Berlin Wall were eating , snorting or shoving into every orifice everything and anything that would get them wasted morning , noon and night.
The 1968 student revolution 50 years ago that closed down Paris and almost toppled the French government? It began because the authorities wouldn’t allow Marxist males to stage panty raids on women’s dorms – ya think drugs might’ve been involved? Millions of people all through the 1970’s would go to outdoor concerts in the rain and if no bands showed up , nobody cared because they were too busy fucking the mud— literally! As the author Martin Amis has pointed out: no reasonably healthy person who came of age during the 60 ’s or 70’s could withstand the scrutiny of any honest investigation. Per capita drinking reached a peak from 1978-1982, cocaine and heroin use skyrocketed and the demand for hallucinogens, meth, MDA and a panoply of experimental and exotic drugs kept labs busy and booming from Labrador to Perth. Okay, not Perth –the Aussies are idiots but smart enough to realize their ethnic strain should never work with chemicals and fire ever, much less in a confined space
In any case , years –perhaps eons– from now some guy will discover references to Bill Cosby and say : let me get this straight , history tells us the only contribution that that era made to civilization was sex , drugs and rock n roll –and they put that guy on trial for sex and drugs ? He must’ve been a serious pig but also seriously funny. Why else would his trial be such a big deal ? Then the guy will most likely find a video or old recording and laugh his ass off, then pass it around and soon the world will be laughing to Cosby jokes once again.
Or not. The thing about comedy is it speaks to social and political conditions of the here and now . But since recording technology has only been around for little more than a hundred years those conditions haven’t yet been duplicated and therefore we think of old humor as singularly unfunny. However, if history is a true guide when it informs us human nature hasn’t changed for thousands of years and unlikely to change for thousands of years to come , sometime in the future it’s quite possible after a long period of war and repression a sexual revolution will take place, the bobbysoxers and hep cats will start mainlining recreational drugs and yet again Bill Cosby will be considered a hot young comic , although dead. Anyway, it’s nice to think that that might come true. After all, art done in our time is done in our name
Mr. Dr. Professor Diogenes Teufelsdrockh (portrait below) is internationally known for his “Philosophy of Clothes” and the subject of Tommy Carlyle’s scathing biography .
Mr. Dr. Professor Diogenes Teufelsdrockh