June-July 2018 Jokes, etc.

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I said to my date: “Laughter is the 2nd best method to convince a girl to have sex.”..

Her: What’s the 1st one??

Me: A Knife.

Her: HaHaHa, you’re funny..

Me: Good choice

 

Don’t mean to be critical but a pro caddy takes the hat out of the box before putting it on his or her head :

 

 

 

 

“Doctor! Doctor!  Postage stamps from Costa Rica keep falling out of  my vagina.”
Gynecologist: “Those aren’t postage stamps, my dear. They’re the stickers off bananas.”

 

 

A Great  Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,

“Will you marry me?”

The Princess immediately said, “No!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after,

and

rode motorcycles

and

dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women,

and

hunted and fished

and
raced cars, and went to strip bars

and

dated ladies half his age
and
drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan,

and

never heard any bitching
and
never paid child support or alimony,

and

dated cheerleaders

and
kept his house and guns,

and

ate spam, potato chips, and beans,
and
blew enormous farts,
and

never got cheated on while he was at work,
and

he had lots of dogs

and
all his friends and family thought

he was cool as hell,
and
he had tons of money in the bank,

and

left the toilet seat up.

The End.

 

Moonshine All Night Diner -Tribeca NYC –Ad Slogan “IT’S 4 AM -You Still Have Time To Make One More Bad Decision.”

 

 

 

 

Soccer is the world’s most popular sport. All that proves is that most of the world is too poor to build golf courses, tennis courts, basketball courts and baseball fields. There are hundreds of millions of poor people out there who still don’t have indoor plumbing, but that doesn’t mean there’s something great about an outhouse. Soccer is like watching cheese harden. I’ve never seen a more boring sport. Mike Royko

 

I looked her square in the eyes and said, “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”  “I meant any questions about the job.” the interviewer sighed.

 

 

I just dropped out of my State’s Senate race today.
In an interview, I was asked…”How do you view lesbian relationships”?
Apparently “In full HD” was not a good answer.

 

 

An Arab Boy Asked His Father

What do you call this weird hat that we are wearing?
It’s a “chechia” because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
-And why are we wearing this long robe?
It’s a “djbellah” because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
– And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are “babouches”, which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me, father …
Yes, my son?
Why the fuck is we wearing all this shit when we live in New York?

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see why they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

 

A masked man burst through the doors of the bank of Ireland in downtown Dublin, told everyone to get face down on the floor, then walked up to a teller, handed her a bag, and told her to fill it with all the money from the drawer. He took the full bag and headed for the door. Just then the Security guard reached over and pulled his mask off. The robber promptly shot him right in the face. He turned to look around and saw the teller staring at him with her mouth wide open. He calmly walked right up to her and shot her in the head. He then yelled out “Alright, any of you other bleedin’ idiots seen my face?”,,,
One old duffer raised his hand and said “I think me wife caught a glimpse”

 

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard, there’s never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothin’ bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If SHE asks you, it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and sexy underwear, you’re a pervert. If you don’t, you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist. If you don’t, you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself. If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you’re oversexed. If you don’t, there must be someone else.

Why do men die first? Because they fucking want to!

 

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference For example:
Johnny enjoys eating a chocolate chip cookie.
Johnny enjoys eating a chocolate chip colon.

 

International etc.

Mexico

Fernando Purón, a congressional candidate in the nation’s upcoming elections on July 1, was posing for a post-debate selfie on June 8 when a bearded gunman walked up behind him and shot out his brains  Purón is thought to be the 112th politician killed since the country’s election cycle began last September.

Earlier in June, three female Mexican politicians were killed within a 24-hour period.

Several more politicians are expected to bite the bullet in the days leading up to the July 1 election. Oh, and Mexico had a record number of homicides last year. And there were 852 train robberies in Mexico in the first three months of this year alone. So if planning a visit to Mexico DO NOT take the train, run for public office or drink the water

Mexican inventions to date 1. The Nacho 2.?

China

Albert Einstein On The Chinese :

A peculiar herd-like nation…[an] industrious, filthy, obtuse people…often more like automatons than people….Even the children are spiritless and look obtuse….I noticed how little difference there is between men and women; I don’t understand what kind of fatal attraction Chinese women possess which enthralls the corresponding men to such an extent that they are incapable of defending themselves against the formidable blessing of offspring….It would be a pity if these Chinese supplant all other races. For the likes of us, the mere thought is unspeakably dreary.

At the time this was written there were an estimated 400 million Chinese women on the planet and an estimated total of 5 who might bring themselves to bang Albert “if the money is right,”

 

 

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo. This morning it wouldn’t wash off, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn’t there anymore.

 

An Irish priest named Father O’Malley was transferred
to Texas.
It was a fine spring morning on his first day in his new parish and he walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
air. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn and he promptly called
the local police station.
The conversation went like this: “Good morning.
This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
O’Malley at St. Ann ‘s Catholic Church. There’s
a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind
as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”
Sergeant Jones, recognizing the foreign accent, thought
he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
“Well now Father, it was always my impression that
you people took care of the last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father
O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly
true; but we’re also obliged to notify the next of kin
first, which is the reason for me call to you.”

 

The actual Irish weather report is really a recording made in 1922, which no one has had occasion to change. “Scattered showers, periods of sunshine.” Wilfred Sheed

 

Little Things That Piss Me Off More And More With Each Passing Year!

You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

 

You have to inform six different salespeople in the same store that you’re just browsing.

 

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 pm instead of 7 am.

 

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

 

Your tire gauge lets half the air out while you’re trying to get a reading.

 

You can never get anything back in the box the way it came.

 

The elevator stops at every floor, but nobody gets in.

 

There are always a few ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.

 

You have to try on sunglasses with that stupid little tag in the middle.

 

How to cook the correct amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much you think you need.
2. Wrong.

 

Ways to be offensive at a funeral:

– Take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

– Drive behind the hearse and keep honking your horn.

– Tell the undertaker your dog died and ask if you can sneak him into the coffin.

– Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

– Punch the body and tell everyone he hit you first.

– Ask someone to take a picture of you with the deceased.

– Tell the widow that you’re the deceased’s, secret gay lover.

– Take a flower from the wreath for your lapel.

– Toss a handful of cooked rice on to the deceased, scream “maggots, maggots,” then pretend to faint.

Tie tin cans  to the bumper of the hearse with “JUST BURIED” printed on the back window.

 

If she’s coming on to you and you don’t want to be rude and just say get lost. Try these  pick-up lines

You look like trash, may I take you out?

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.

You smell… We should go take a shower together.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?

You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!

Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.

You don’t sweat much for a fat chick.

Just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?

What’s a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?

 

 

Nine 1 liners

  1. A physicist is trying to talk a man off the tip of the Empire state building he says “Don’t jump you have so much potential”
  2. Say what you want about deaf people.
  3. I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the homeless guy’s dog, because he must be thinking ‘Man, this is the longest walk ever
  4. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
  5. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off
  6. My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.
  7. There is no “i” in denial 8
  8. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
  9. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

 

“I’m not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I’m not dumb –and I’m also not blond” Dolly Parton

 

 

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