Handy Phrases When You’re Bored And Want Attention

A Month Of Any Occasion One Liners
  1. Based On A True Story means it happened more or less but with ugly people.
  2. Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says “probably just shitfaced.”
  3. To find out what your name is in Dolphin, lick your finger and rub a balloon.
  4. Doe, A Deer, A Female Deer; Ray, A Hunter With A Gun
  5. True Story: A missing 3-year-old was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts, police just settled on the Ninja Turtle doll
  6. Women like honesty because it helps them rule you out sooner.
  7. Every time the pizza guy delivers I shout out: Pizza’s HERE! I don’t want him to think I’m eating two pizzas by myself
  8. I want to get rid of my Memory Foam Mattress –but it knows too much
  9. “The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Fear Itself …plus spiders.” (What FDR Actually Said )
  10. People who say “The worst kind of cut is a papercut,” probably never got stabbed in the face
  11. What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever
  12. Every person has a story to tell, which is why I never talk to people.
  13. High School kids can learn a lot by organizing a car wash for a worthy cause. Lesson # 1 Don’t let the Fat Chick hold up the sign.
  14. I want to know how a fool and his money got together in the first place
  15. Duct Tape can’t fix stupid ..but it can muffle the sound
  16. If I understand college administrators correctly, colleges are hotbeds of racism and rape that everyone should be able to attend
  17. What’s the difference between a Bull Dyke and a Bull Elephant? About a hundred pounds and a flannel shirt.
  18. Too many mimes die each year simply because no one believes they’re choking.
  19. Turns out Adam and Eve were banned from paradise because they agreed to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
  20. I applied for a government job today and sent in the wrong resume –I’m hoping this early display of incompetence will work in my favor.
  21. Picked up some Fresh Linen Spray at the store today –now my bathroom smells like I shit the bed
  22. Rodney Dangerfield: “It was always known as a Jumpolene till my wife got on it.
  23. Remember: It’s not drinking alone if your kids are in the car with you.
  24. How did the pig solve the Arab-Israeli Conflict? It did n’t. It further exacerbated the problem. The Arab –Israeli Conflict is a multifaceted geopolitical quagmire based on long-simmering religious, ethnic and territorial tensions. A pig is too stupid to understand the root causes of the problem, let alone provide a viable solution. In retrospect, it seems ridiculous to have entrusted a pig with such an important diplomatic mission.
  25. “My wife was born in Jordan.” “Amman?” “No, she’s just got big hands, but you’re not the first to ask.”
  26. I went up to a woman in a bar –blond, big tits, beautiful body –and asked her what she did. She said. “I’m a Brain Surgeon.” I was really impressed –most women can’t do sarcasm
  27. Brendan Behan “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs a lot less.”
  28. The Three Wise arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men hit his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable “JESUS CHRIST!” he shouted. Joseph said, “Write that down , Mary. It’s better than Wayne.”
  29. Steve Martin “You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
  30. My day was so bad I kept looking around to see if Nicholas Cage was in it.
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