April-May 2017 Jokes, etc.
Mother Of All Bombs Dropped On Afghanistan … Passenger Dragged Off United Flight…Bill O’Reilly Fired For Sexual Misconduct
French for Breakfast at The Bus Station
April 2017 Best Of The Web Jokes
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Motorcycle won’t start…can’t figure out why.
Barack Obama got elected as a Senator because the sealed records of his opponent’s divorce case were illegally opened and leaked to the press. But Dems insist there’s no chance he employed intelligence services to spy on Republicans and had no knowledge of how these stories got leaked to the press.
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”
He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices in my head.
She told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
A woman was smacking her kid for being a shit in line at Rite Aid so I stepped in to ask her if she wanted me to hold her shopping bags.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with GUESS on it, so I said “Thyroid Problems ?” Apparently, that’s wrong .
California became a state in 1850
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and the men didn’t hold hands.
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
“From now on I’m only quoting movies because frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. What we have here is a failure to communicate. We do not talk about the first rule of fight club, because some people just can’t handle the truth. If you do talk about it then prepare to show me the money as you will be fined. If you can’t pay, you better say hello to my little friend. If you’re feeling lucky punk, go ahead….Make my day. Think about that while I have a martini, shaken not stirred. Or you can just phone home, because there’s no place like home. Why so serious? We’re not in Kansas anymore. Get to the choppa, because I feel the need, the need for speed. Come with me if you want to live. After all, tomorrow is another day! So may the force be with you.
Yippe-ka-yay motherfucker. I’m the king of the world” Milos Yiannopoulos , after resigning from Breitbart News when video of him endorsing pedophilia surfaces.
Matt Damon Lookalike Reveals How It Ruined His Life “I even began believing Socialism works !”
Kumquats… I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff! Gilbert Gottfried
The Greek restaurant in my town is so authentic it’s gone bankrupt.
I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday.They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
Is my wife ashamed of my body? A tiny part of me says yes.
I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend.Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts his hand up and says, “G, miss”.
The teacher asks, “Why is that, Angus?”
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent in the wrong resume –I’m hoping this early display of incompetence will work in my favor.
As California’s drought continues to worsen, Gov. Brown announces a controversial relief plan involving Lake Superior and a 17-million-foot hose.
“I am going to live forever and so far it’s going well” Joe Biden
Women feed us with their breasts, give us a pacifier when we aren’t sucking on a tit, but then when we get older say “what’s this male obsession with tits”
Joke Of The Month
Promoted exclusively by the GREATEST SOCIAL MEDIA CAMPAIGN IN HISTORY , the Fyre Festival in the Bahamas promised world class entertainment, celebrity chefs and luxury accomodations for only $1500 to $12,000 a day. When the festival opened there was one operational Porta- Potty, a tent and drunken local band which stopped playing after a couple of hours. Lawsuits currently totalling more than $ 100 million are expected to be litigated sooner or later.