April-May 2018 Jokes, etc.

My girlfriend was quite surprised when I came back empty-handed from the shop. She said, “I wanted you to buy me something I would look good in.” To which I replied; “Sorry, nobody sells the dark.”

 

“What do we want, MEN ?” “Maturity!” “When do we want it?” “ HEE HEE–you just said tit.”

 

I just found out cockfighting is done with chickens…That’s 12 months of training gone to waste.

 

Ms TSA April 2018 

 

Take the Sex Quiz 

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a.lovemaking

b. screwing

c. the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:

a.your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship

b. your blood-test results

c. five tequila slammers

You time your orgasm so that:

a. your partner climaxes first

b. you both climax simultaneously

c. you don’t miss Sports Center

Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a.healthy, creative love-play

b. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to

c. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:

a. the best part of the experience

b. the second best part of the experience

c. $100 extra

Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a. no concern of yours

b. not a problem, she can join your gym

c. a conservative estimate

You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:

a. a myth

b. an oxymoron

c. a moron

Foreplay is to sex as:

a. an appetizer is to entree

b. a primer is to paint

c. a line at the entrance to the fun house

Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship:

a. “I hope we can still be friends”

b. “I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep”

c. “Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU.”

A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a. probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy

b. is uptight and a waste of time

c. shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 

Evaluating the results:

If you answered “a” more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered “b” more than 7 times, check into therapy, you’re more than a little confused. If you answered “c” more than 7 times, “YOU DA … never mind !”

 

I understand it’s sad when a Juggler Gives Up On His Dream– but why the hell are these signs everywhere?

 

 

 

What is your favorite R. Lee Ermey Quote?

Born: March 24, 1944, Died: April 15, 2018, at ease Sarge RIP.

Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who’s the slimy little Communist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker down here, who just signed his own death warrant?”

Do any of you people know who Charles Whitman was? None of you dumbasses knows? Private Cowboy?

Private Cowboy: Sir, he was that guy who shot all those people from that tower in Austin, Texas, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: That’s affirmative. Charles Whitman killed twelve people from a 28 story observation tower at the University of Texas from distances up to four hundred yards. Anybody know who Lee Harvey Oswald was? Private Snowball?

Private Snowball: Sir, he shot Kennedy, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: That’s right, and do you know how far away he was?

Private Snowball: Sir, it was pretty far! From that book suppository building, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: All right, knock it off! Two hundred and fifty feet! He was two hundred and fifty feet away and shooting at a moving target. Oswald got off three rounds with an old Italian bolt action rifle in only six seconds and scored two hits, including a headshot! Do any of you people know where these individuals learned to shoot? Private Joker?

Private Joker: Sir, in the Marines, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: In the Marines! Outstanding! Those individuals showed what one motivated marine and his rifle can do! And before you ladies leave my island, you will be able to do the same thing!

 

Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

 

Where are we going? And what’s with this handbasket?

 

A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI’s report about what he found: “Most honorable, sir. You leave the house. I watch house. He come to house. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee.”

 

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.” Lassie the cat.

 

One day three women went for a job interview. The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra $50 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received? The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.” When he asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.” When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.” Which one of the three women got the job? The one with the biggest tits, obviously.

 Based on a True Story means it sort of happened  like this but with ugly people

 

The only time you’ll ever use algebra in your life ? When you look at your X and wonder Y

 

An illegal immigrant stole your job? Actually, if someone without money, social contacts, or the ability to speak the language steals your job, just maybe you’re crappy at it!

 

They say that if America doesn’t start getting its act together, in 50 years we’ll all be speaking Chinese. Yeah, right – like we’re smart enough to learn Chinese!

 

The female praying mantis devours the male minutes after mating while the female human prefers to stretch it out over his lifetime.

 

For those wondering what it’s like to be married I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know we were having.
 

 

My grandfather warned that the Titanic would sink. No one listened, but he kept on warning until they finally kicked him out the movie theater.

 

 

Please use handrail! Or you know what? Don’t use the handrail and break your face. You’re the one who’ll end up in ugly kid school, not me. ~ if my mother had been the recorded voice at the airport

 

Red Riding Hood Updated

 

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “mother,” although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house.

“But mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?”

Red Riding Hood’s mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

“But mother, aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?”

Red Riding Hood’s mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

“But mother, then shouldn’t you have my brother carry the basket, since he’s an oppressor, and should learn what it’s like to be oppressed?”

And Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn’t stereotypical women’s work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

“But won’t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she’s sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?”

But Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her grandmother wasn’t actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called “health.”

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact, intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to “come out” of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity.”

The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”

Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.”

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path and proceeded towards her Grandmother’s house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty-free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.”

The Wolf said softly, “Come closer, dearest child so that I might see you.”

Red Riding Hood said, “Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!”

“You forget that I am optically challenged.”

“And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have.”

“Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn’t give in to such societal pressures, my child.”

“And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!”

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. “You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!”

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

“Hands off!” cried the woodchopper.

“And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self-esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams.”

“Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!” screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

“Thank goodness you got here in time,” said the Wolf. “The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.”

“No, I think I’m the real victim, here,” said the woodchopper. “I’ve been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I’m going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?”

“Sure,” said the Wolf.

“Thanks.”
THE END

 

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I’m not under what you call,
The alcofluence of incohol.
I’m just a little slort of sheep,
I’m not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don’t know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
‘Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.

 

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