April 2019 Jokes

Two things that never grow old: dark humor and unvaccinated children.

Interesting Fact: If you pronounce “fuck off” backward it sounds like you’re saying it in a British accent.

Isn’t Volleyball really just a more intense version of “don’t let the balloon touch the floor?”

Results Of New Jersey Legislature Study “What Are The Negative Effects of Smoking Marijuana”  A. You have less marijuana.

Don’t you hate it when you complain to Domino’s they delivered a pizza with no toppings—just dough! And then they come and yell at you for opening the box upside down. ” Jersey City Joey Jenkins

Jersey City Joey “Weed Now” Jenkins +  Willy

 

Difference between “Flying Pig & Politician”? The “F”

Is Lindsay Lohan suffering from L.E.S. (Late Elvis Syndrome?) Her People Say  NO  “Elvis was an obese, pill-popping drunk who ate peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Lindsay hates bananas .”

 

Lindsay Lohan 2019

What did socialists use before candles? Electricity.

There is no such thing as a Boston Accent. There is just a large geographical area in Eastern Massachusetts where people can’t pronounce words Louis CK

JEWEXIT? A Brooklyn Jewish Sect believe Trump is the New Messiah and will lead believers to a promised land where the brisket is never dry, the yentas are prettier than the shiksas, and Seinfeld airs 24/7 (this could be Yuuuge !!!)

Define: Marriage

Marriage: Betting someone half your stuff that you’ll love them forever.

Marriage: For people who want their break-ups to involve paperwork.

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry. Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

Help! Help!  Fire Department! My husband is on the roof ….only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life….um…never mind

Misogynist Glossary: Iron Man is a superhero Iron Woman is a command.

I bought a box of condoms today. The cashier asked if I’d like a bag. I said, “Nah, I’ll just turn the lights off.”

My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to why I have developed erection difficulties She bought me some Viagra, and I bought her a treadmill

Two little girls, each 6 years old on a swing. First one says to the other “I found a box of condoms on my verandah yesterday”. Second one: “What’s a verandah?”

Guy: “Can I buy you a drink?” Girl: “Sorry, alcohol is bad for my legs.” Guy: “Do they swell?” Girl: “No. They spread.”

My Wife Said To Me “You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?” I thought that was an odd way to start a conversation

Define Extravaganza  The spare vaganza you use when you’ve used up all your other vaganzas.

DR: I’m afraid you have a rare disease How Rare? DR: You Get To Pick The Name

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” asks the operator   “No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”

FACT: Before The “Black Eyed Peas” Met Jean Claude Van Dam They Were Known As The “Peas”

 

A Mexican stunt man died after jumping from a speeding car in a movie. At the funeral, his mother yelled at the director  “Jesus died for your scenes.”

What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism? No more jokes about the profit.

I’m so stressed that I’m going to try that Chinese thing with the needles– what’s it called? Um….oh yeah, heroin

Ticket Agent: “Will this be round trip?” Flat Earther: “Christ,  here we go again!”

Did you hear about the man who did it with a parakeet? He contracted chirpes.  And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

 

 

You actually CAN have your cake and eat it too. What you CAN’T do is EAT your cake and have it too.

 

 

Grow up to be Democrats

 

What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.

 

 

Really Sorry I’m late– I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes not being here.

 

You Can’t Spell Hate Without H-A-T

 

 

One thing for sure: when it’s all said and done: more will always be said than done.

Man is the smartest animal…..of all those who were surveyed  in the latest ABC/WaPo  Poll

No one ever said life is fair except for that Russian dude who worked at the fair

Everybody’s  Gangsta… until seaweed touches their leg.

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan…and I’ll show you a man who’s trying to have sex with a vegan.

It’s not how often you fall down it’s how many times you get up that matters. Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work

Let’s Build a World Wide Team Spirit! For a big laugh, next time astronauts go up everyone on earth should dress up like apes and freak out the crew when they return

Does Superman ever go back for his clothes or is Metropolis just full of homeless people running around in Clark Kent suits and glasses?

I was in Saudi Arabia when I saw a guy with no hands. “What happened to you? “I got caught stealing twice” “What did you steal the first time?” “A pair of gloves” “What about the second time?” “A Glove! ”

The Physics Professor explained that because of how time works… every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

I may run for public office…just to see the dirt they dig up on me. I’m still trying to piece together my twenties.

If I had a dollar for every girl…. that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I painted my bedroom & then the hallway and then the room next to it looked kinda shabby I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

 

 

Why the fuck don’t we make stuff in America anymore! I JUST BOUGHT A TV THAT SAID: “BUILT-IN ANTENNA!” 

 

Disney movies taught me… there’s nothing you can’t accomplish as long as your parents die a brutal untimely death.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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