The Butt Dial

"Because The Only Thing Funnier Than Fart Jokes Are Duck Fart Jokes" Friedrich Nietzsche


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Art Is Making Something Out Of Nothing And Selling It  Frank Zappa 


Club Plans To Move French Museum To Canton, Ohio

Club Secretary Chauncey P. Belphegor’s Very Huge  Idea 

It was  hot. The air smelled like a typical  Frenchman — dirty socks in onion soup . Me and the old lady had been sweating in line outside “The LOOF” Museum for at least an hour and I was trying to keep the mood light by pumping fart noises out of my armpit to the strains of  “La Mayonnaise ” –the French National Anthem . All of sudden this total dick with a nose so long he could smoke in the shower comes bouncing out and says to the cop , “Etienne , give ze Trump Voter directions to Disney and tell him his presence –and whatever that thing standing next to him is –are  no longer desired.” To someone like me –who earned his first black belt at sneaker sales in Queens—this didn’t seem  even much of a challenge. But then something happened…

          Without rehearsing the ensuing give and take , the imprecations and sallies, the ever more harrowing escalations, suffice it to say that within the hour—grant you, I was a bit tired, out of breath and surrounded by an assemblage of what most in civilized circles  refer to as Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys –I heard myself saying, “How much do you want for the place ? Name your price . I’ll write a check right this minute . I’ll take the whole thing off your hands and by this time tomorrow you can be doing  what you really want to do : torture Jews, write novels no one will ever read, suck cock  , eat snails.  Whatever. ” Heat of the moment…I thought.

          But then on the way back home  the plane was diverted to Cleveland, Ohio,  due to another outbreak of imbecility at JFK  and with time on our hands we decided to take in the sights. Turns out , the closest thing to anything even resembling   “a sight” is 60 miles away in Canton , Ohio –the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

          The place is literally in the middle of nowhere , but  millions visit each year anyway. And fifteen minutes after they get there they are bored out of their skulls, Now you might well ask yourself how a place so out of the way and so boring keeps getting crowds .The answer is simple : no one wants to admit they’re bored.

Pancho "Grins" MacPherson

     Let’s say you’re from Green Bay, Wisconsin and you’ve travelled 800 miles with screaming children in the back seat  to see Paul Hornung’s  jock strap in a glass case ? Are you going to admit the experience was less than  life altering ? That you’re less of a fan than your neighbors and fellow workers thought you were? Of course not.

   But they are bored . And really hungry. And big. Not kidding –many were wearing bathrobes and muumuus because that’s all they could fit into . There was a  supermarket in town where I saw people lined up to get on the freight elevator because they couldn’t fit in the front door.

       That’s when the plan fell into place ; A) We buy the “LOOF” and ship it to Canton, Ohio; B) We sell all the crappy old art on E-bay ; C) We ring the place with all the Big Boy statues from the MacPherson estate so the place maintains its “art image”*  ; D) We gut the insides and put in wall to wall world class  food courts; E) Voy-fuckin’-La , French for “Fat City.”

      *Although this plan is brilliant and practically foolproof, newer members might be slightly mystified by  this reference to the MacPherson Estate Big Boy statues. In the late 1970’s  longtime club president Pancho “Grins” MacPherson (1952-1983) came up with the idea of collecting all the Big Boy statues from the restaurant chain that was throwing them out at the time and assembling them all in a big field outside of Roswell , New Mexico. As MacPherson envisioned it , an army of these powerful symbols of American  commerce would give any invaders from Mars (or really any planet)  pause. This would give us time to assemble all our  missiles, bombs etc. to blow the crap out of them . Unfortunately , the judge didn’t see this as an alternative sentence and Pancho had to spend time with the boys upstate for a while. In any case , the club has been paying a lot each year to store all the Big Boys , so the idea of putting them in a big circle around the French  Museum once we reassemble it Canton is not all that crazy.

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