August-September 2017 Jokes, etc

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600 Years Ago When Young Idealists Formed The NO ALBANIAN WANNABE ANAL WHORE WRITERS CLUB To Protest Pope Martin’s Wardrobe Choices , Little Did They Know It Would Become The Most Influential Club On The Planet In Just 600 Years .

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Scaramooch Axed In Record 10 Days…Trump Says Bad Guys In Va. Not All Nazis…Harvey Hits Texas ..Mayweather KO’s McGregor …Death Gets Jerry Lewis 

August 2017 Best Of The Web Jokes


Summer Blahs


My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.


That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.


I’m awake! Please respect my privacy during this very difficult time.


I compared thee to a summer’s day because I hate summer.


Girl: come over.
Guy: I’m coming over.
Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.


This pepper spray feels like no really meant no.


My patience has stretch marks.


Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.


Technically, all national anthems are country music.


$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.


Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.


A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.


Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.


I’ll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed.
“I am your Father.”
Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.


Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.


Botany good plants lately?

Little Rabbits

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks “Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?” The shop keepers heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?” The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . “I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc.





A Greek and Italian were talking one day discussing who had the superior
culture. Over coffee the Greek says, “Well, we have the Parthenon.”
The Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to mathematics”
The Italian, nodding, says, “But we built the Roman Empire ”
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”
The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced
it to women.”


“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.”  – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player.

Gym employee:
Sorry sir, but to cancel your membership you have to come in and fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?


It’s very bad when you have to find it to piss, but it’s much worse when you have to piss to find it.


A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.


I tried to get in touch with my inner child, but he’s not allowed to talk to strangers.


I take everything with a grain of salt. Now I have high blood pressure.


Gonna need you to finish your story real quick so I can tell you how the same thing happened to me, but its more interesting cause I’m in it.


Don’t go to your doctor 

  1. The number of physicians in the U.S. is
    (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians
    per year are
    (C) Accidental deaths per physician
    Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of
    Health and Human Services.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Now think about this:
    (A) The number of owners in the U.S.
    (Yes, that’s 80 million)
    (B) The number of accidental gun deaths is 1500
    (C) The number of accidental deaths
    per gun owner
    . 0000188
    Statistics courtesy of FBI>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>So, statistically, doctors are approximately
    9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Remember, ‘Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.’>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
    Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
    This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed
    by a doctor than by a gun owner!!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Please alert your friends
    to this alarming threat.
    We must ban doctors
    before this gets completely out of hand!!! :)>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Out of concern for the public at large,
    We withheld the statistics on
    for fear the shock would cause
    people to panic and seek medical attention!


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