BROTHERS: Let’s be brutally honest. The2018 Joke Contest turned out to be a grade A example of why most people in this country don’t deserve nice things. We could have easily held a cheap and gaudy joke contest with prizes like a 100 million dollars or a garish dago-yellow Lamborghini, but instead, we decided to go for something cerebral and, yes, immortal. In his heartfelt essay elsewhere on this site George Carlin explains why a 100 years of hamsters –pedigree hamsters, not cheap wheel spinners—is something a funny man (his heirs or assigns) would cherish. Unfortunately, in this benighted age, it is more than apparent the baboons have won. Instead of sending in real jokes, most sent in stuff like this :
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
To See The Fat Asshole On the Other Side
If this wasn’t depressing enough when we finally picked a winner instead of being grateful and elated the winning “funnyman” decided to publicly bitch about the New York Department of Taxation & Finance. Anonymously! Not only is that dumber than wearing a MAGA hat to Code Pink dildo test site , it also put our six hundred and one-year-old club in the crosshairs of a swarm of beady-eyed Albany bureaucrats, who, without putting too fine a point on it, seem to share a fondness for Fentanyl and the philosophy of Josef Goebbels.
And why? Because The Comedian Known As A. Dick called all his blow buddies in the media to brag that he’d won a 100 years of free hamsters but could not use his real name (Louis CK aka Lou Szeleky) because “it’d put my ass in a higher tax bracket according to …(and here he added a number of obscene descriptive adjectives about tax officials local, state and federal And their mothers! ).” In the words of the recently departed George H.W. Bush: “Not Prudent .”
The Joke(s) That Won (A Word Of Caution)
It is well known that it’s impossible to have an IQ above 100 and laugh at jokes by Steven Colbert, Trevor Noah or Andy Borowitz but it’s even harder than impossible to laugh at jokes that win joke contests. Therefore, unless you are a complete idiot you won’t laugh at the following two jokes. The simple fact that we had to choose two jokes should be a big tip-off that neither joke was funny enough to stand alone. The point is this: if you don’t laugh there is no reason to call a personal injury lawyer, spray paint bathroom stalls or call to let us know how much you hate them.
Having said that, these two jokes — under the right circumstances !—are inherently funny enough to make you completely lose it, taste vomit etc. More than a few EX & Molly partiers exposed to these jokes have had to be resuscitated in the O.R., and in a couple of cases, long term commitment in the “funny adobe” was necessary. DO NOT MIX DRUGS WITH THESE JOKES! Capice?
Joke # 1
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks and rolls over.
The knocking continues and gets louder “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there’s a man standing there, completely drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “I can’t seem to get her started. Can you give me a push??”
“It’s half past three in the morning. I was in bed Go fuck yourself ” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She says, “Honey, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s door to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yes, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on the swing.”
Joke # 2
A man and his angry looking wife are at their first marriage counseling session, tight-lipped, sitting at opposite ends of the couch. Finally, the marriage counselor says, “You’ve been married many years. Let’s start by listing the things you both have in common. “ After a long pause, the counselor says, “Okay, name just one thing you both have in common. Finally, husband says “Well, neither one of us will suck a dick”