Trump Gets Tax Vote …Roy Moore Loses …Giants Fire Coach And GM …Franken Actually Quits…Muslim Blows Self Up In NYC Terror Bid…In Record-Breaking Cold Idiots From Long Island And New Jersey Appear In Times Square To Watch A Ball Drop
December 2017 Best Of The Web Jokes
Politically Correct Holiday Greeting:
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This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
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FOUR STAGES OF MAN: He believes in Santa He doesn’t believe in Santa. He is Santa ….and # 4: He starts looking like Santa
Sentimental Christmas Phone Text Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives a thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you go, little buddy! Today, you should take a moment and send an encouraging message to a fucked up friend, just as I have done. I don’t care if you lick windows, or screw farm animals. You hang in there cupcake, because you’re fucking special to me, and you’re my friend. Look at you smiling at your phone, you crayon eating motherfucker.
If men REALLY ruled the world –
Any fake number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be considered an acceptable response to “I love you.”
Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A slap on the ass and a “Good try, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.
All telephone calls with a female would automatically cut off after thirty seconds.
MALE PRIVILEGE: Deaths in battle Men 97.7% Women 2.3% Homelessness Men 62% Women 38% Suicides Men 77.9% Women 22.1% Homicides Men 77.4% Women 22.6% Workplace deaths Men 93% Women 7% College graduates Men 40% Women 60% Winners of custody Men 17.8% Women 82.2%
Two Warner Bros. Super Stars Worked Totally In The Nude—for DECADES ! No One Said Anything! ……Everyone Knew !
Ever Have To Wear Something Weird To Work Because For Way, Way Too Long You Put Off Doing The Laundry?
Maureen Dowd declares herself part of the #metoo movement and thinks Bill Clinton’s accusers should be believed. Here’s what she said about on Monica Lewinsky: “a ditsy, predatory White House intern who might have lied under oath for a job at Revlon “ “It appears that there’s one thing Monica has immunity from: brains” “Petunia Pig in a black beret.”
I can easily make lemonade… but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I went to Thailand and came so close to sleeping with a ladyboy. She looked like a girl talked like a girl even walked like a girl. It wasn’t until she reversed the car perfectly into the parking space I thought “hang on a second”.