December 2018 Jokes

Staff Favorite Holiday Quips & Put-Downs

Professional One-Liners :

“Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren’t famous, she would be a teacher. So, thank God she’s famous.”
Jay Leno

 

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
George Carlin

 

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”
Steve Martin

 

“I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.”
Richard Pryor

 

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
Billy Crystal

 

“According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.”
Jay Leno

 

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, ‘denigrate’ means ‘put down.'”
Bob Newhart

 

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin

 

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.”
David Letterman

 

“Come on, if you don’t win tonight it doesn’t mean you’re not a good person. It just means you’re not a good actor.”
Ellen DeGeneres As Host of the 2014 Oscars

 

Cat’s Diary Day 983 of my captivity…….

 

Openly defied  captor’s  insane phobia  against walking on countertops

 

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.  Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

 

Non-Professional One-Liners :

 

I used to work with a Chinese guy named Chan and one time at a work function, we were having a drink and I said to him “Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same”?
He replied “Chan’s at the bar getting drinks, I’m his wife”

 

I saw a beautiful wooden sculpture made by a Mr. Chung. It’s titled “Chung in Teak.”

 

Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today? Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.

 

In Iran, everyone’s scared of spiders,  but In Iraq, no phobia. (warning: this pun is so bad actually makes people angry)

 

I just got back from a double amputee dance  The place was crawling with ass

 

The boy who bullied me in school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

 

I asked Oprah what annoyed her the most. She said,” It’s all the libelous things that are written about me.” Then she asked me to marry her.

 

Whoever wins that Mega Lottery, just remember You touched inappropriately me 30 years ago. See you in court.

 

Someone asked me today, “How long have you worked here?” I replied: “Ever since they threatened to fire me.”

 

The obituary section: Facebook for the elderly.

 

It annoys me when engineering students call themselves engineers. You don’t hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

 

 

What is the difference between Liberal Democrat Jews and Donald Trump? Trump has Jewish grandchildren

 

I made a beginner’s mistake and went shopping..on an empty stomach yesterday. I am now the happy owner of aisle 7…

 

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time ?” Me: “Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.”

 

Father: “Son, you were adopted.” Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

 

Weather girl  “…. and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say 8 inches.”

 

A boss announces to his staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!” A voice in the background says: “I’m offering 200!”

 

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on.

 

 

 

 

YOU MAY BE AN ISLAMIC TERRORIST IF…...

 

 

1. You have ever uttered the phrase, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You have ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

 

 

AND YOU MAY BE A HOLLYWOOD LIBERAL IF …

 

 

Submitted By A Reader Identifying Himself As The Only Man Who Traveled To The Moon But Didn’t Get To Walk On It: Michael Collins

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man’s blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. After she was naked, he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough. Finally, he said, “Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband.”

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, “Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either.”

 

 

 

Cat’s Diary Day 984 of my captivity…

 

 

“There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow – but at the top of the stairs.”

 

 

Archie Speaks :

 

When meathead was a small boy, He got lost and asked a cop to help him find his parents said, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He asked. The cop said, “I don’t know, kid, there are so many places they can hide.”

 

What does it mean when the flag outside the post office is flying at half mast? They’re hiring.

 

Little kid asked me  “Archie  I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.” I said: “Kid  that happens everywhere.”

 

Neighbor asked me what I thought about his new wife. I told him: Flat chested, fat legs, and a flabby ass. Oh, and she doesn’t react well to criticism.

 

You can tell a lot about a person by their car. For example, if it’s in a ditch, it’s probably owned by a woman.

 

 

 

 

Dear Amazon: I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh, just go on then, one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

 

Netflix Alert: Latest Bollywood Remake Coming Next Month

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cat’s Diary Day 985  of my captivity…

 

 

 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now

 

Aesop In The Twenty-First Century

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won !!

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the next race, and it won that race too.

The local paper read:
“PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT”.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:
“BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS”.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
“NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!”

The Bishop fainted…
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey as soon as possible.

So she sold it to a local farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
“NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10”.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey, and take it to the plains
where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL  Being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and
you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

Why The Dog Is Happier

 

 

 

 

FINALLY: Why Is It Impossible Not To Laugh At This Video? 

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