February-March 2017 Jokes,etc.

Pats Win Super Bowl .. Flynn Quits After 24 Days  …Trump Lifts Federal Transgender Bathroom Rules…

February 2017 Best Of The Web Jokes

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching , so he her asks what she’d like to do. She says, “Is that a trombone in the corner? I’d love to play your trombone.” So she plays it while he has sex with her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy’s apartment building. One of the girls says, “Let’s stop up and see that guy.” The other girl says, “Gee…do you think he’ll remember us?”

 

Dublin Archaeologists  dug up a book — Irish Dancing Part Two: What To Do With Your Arms

 

My cosmetic surgery may have gone wrong, but I’m smiling on the inside.

Bride Of Wildenstein In Still Another Nasty Break Up 

 

E-mail Offering : Free Bible Verses ! Because who can afford bible verses these days .

 

“PERRYVILLE, Mo. (AP)—In a story February 10th on a black bear being killed in eastern Missouri, The Associated Press inadvertently dropped the word ‘bear’ from the lead sentence. It should have read: ‘Authorities have killed a black bear that was running loose in eastern Missouri.’ ”—Associated Press,

 

Best Personal Ads Lead Sentences

I sleep in the nude with the lights on

Seeking woman to help pick up my lottery checks

James Bond type minus looks, charm, and income

SWF, 79, bi-curious

Voluptuous divorcee seeking #6

Repost: Now hiring (female) lingerie housekeeper

2015 Toyota Camry to anyone who’ll marry my daughter

Bikini model. Turn-ons include rice cakes and bottled water

Gym buddy with own clean towels

Golf widow who can polish shafts

In Search Of anyone who’s rich, single, and terminally ill

Former Olympic athlete seeking man who likes surprises.

 

 

OUTRAGED LETTER TO THE NY TIMES : Will public restrooms be required to have Genital Inspection Station posted at entrance to all public restrooms ? If so who will pay these Pecker Checkers, people using the restroom, or the  entity that owns restroom? And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers? Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by number of peckers checked? How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if Pecker Checker could check peckers? P. Belphegor ,Letter  (not published)

 

Every century has its cushy jobs : 19th Century : The Church;   20th Century : The State;  21st  Century : Higher Learning     The clergy killed God, The politicians killed us , The professors are killing thought .Joseph Epstein , WSJ

 

A cowboy, an Indian and a Muslim are overlooking a huge valley, the Indian sweeps his hand across his front and says, ” once my people were many, now we are few”. The Muslim looks out across the land and says, “once we were few, now we are many”. The cowboy looks out at the valley, then looks back at the Muslim and says “That’s cuz we ain’t played cowboys and Towelheads yet”.

 

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a man who was forced to talk to his children because he had no internet at all

 

In business news, troubled retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy, citing the fact that in the past six years, the chain’s 4,000 stores had made a nationwide total of one sale, that being a home email server purchased by Hillary Clinton who tried to return it after beating it into large but very thin disk

 

A guy texts neighbor:
“Bob, I’m sorry. I’m riddled with guilt : I have been tapping into your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you.  I can’t live with the guilt any longer. It won’t happen again.”
Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later Bob  gets a second text: “Should use spell check! I meant “wi-fi”.”

 

President Donald Trump shares his strategy against ‘fake news’ in Fox interview :  Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

 

What do you call a dead blonde in the closet? Last year’s hide & seek champion  

 

Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?

 

Rodney Dangerfield : It was always known as a Jumpolene till my wife  got on it.

Joke Of The Month

Very Pleased With Progressive Protest So Far 1) the same million people signing petulant on -line petitions over and over 2) each producing about 50 a day FB ,Twitter posts expressing outrage to their amen chorus 3) Rent-a Mobs alienating anyone with half a brain 4) Traditional Dem Labor daily backing Trump as Pelosi /Schumer ignore them 6) Inner City Pols finally realizing 50% youth unemployment may have been great  for  Dem voting base in the past but even the uneducated aren’t totally stupid 5)  BUT BEST OF ALL -Hollywood Libtards Actually Suggesting They May Be Able To Talk The Military Into A Government Coup BWAAAAAHAHAHAHA . Prince Belphegor Facebook Post

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