“I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.”Friedrich Nietzsche
“It’s a disgrace that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh.” Ibid
“Woke Up In the Middle Of The Night And REALIZED All the seasons are named after coils of metal…Except for Winter and Summer. And Autumn.” Ibid
Eagles Fans Reacted Calmly To Super Bowl Win. Many Say They’ll Remove Face Paint As Early As April. Mayor Says Property Damage “In Low Single Figure Millions, Only Two Parade Related Deaths”
Tide had some serious ad time during the Super Bowl this year.Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market. Ad Age
“I won’t play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.” Sheriff Scott Israel
“After the doorbell rings, how long should you wait to turn the TV volume back up and make any kind of movement?” Gwyneth Paltrow Advice To Women Without Servants
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.” Irish Times
“Not trying to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off.” Ben Affleck
After yelling at the cat to stay off the counter at least 1000 times :
“Americans need an app that shows oncoming traffic on their touchscreen even when they’re not driving ” Chuck Schumer
“I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.” Charles Manson
“Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles. Diets are hard.” Jennifer Laurence, Collected Thoughts
“Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.” IDM AWARD WINNER For Digital Copywriting
“The Olympics Haven’t Seen This Level Of Celebrity Excitement Since Eva Showed Up As Adolph’s Date In Berlin ’36” Vanity Fair
“My girlfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because she doesn’t exist.” Jim Carey
Why Do Toads Always Look Like They Just Found Out There’s No Free Wi-Fi?
Sumo Wrestlers Say They Shave Their Legs So They Won’t Be Mistaken For Feminists
TIP: If You’ve Forgotten Your Bluetooth Headset, Wearing Sunglasses Indoors Is An Equally Effective Douchebag Indicator.
A Blonde is at the pet store shopping for
a sweater for her dog’s 3rd birthday. After much hemming and hawing, the salesperson came over.
“I just can’t figure out which size would be right for her,” she said.
“Why don’t you just bring your dog in and get the right one?” asked the clerk.
Blonde looks blankly at the clerk, “It’s supposed to be a surprise.”
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