Before reading the Funniest Joke Ever , know this : Never, Never, Not Ever Introduce A Joke By Saying It Is Funny . Least of all, that it’s the funniest joke ever. It has been proven by experts there’s a mysterious mechanism in the human psyche that resists being told how to react to anything, much less a joke . And if you announce to a woman what you’re about to say is even slightly amusing, they immediately go deaf.
That said , a number of years ago when the Friar Club in New York was the epicenter of joke telling, the following was voted Joke Of The Year — TWICE !
And if you’ve heard it before , it’s pretty much guaranteed you haven’t heard it in a long time , and the reason for that will be discussed below
SO , here is a joke an old lady told to a group of us waiting in a dentist office last week :
A guy comes into a bar with a chimpanzee and they both climb up on barstools
Bartender : “Sorry pal , no disrespect or nuthin’ but FUCKIN’ MONKEYS AIN’T ALLOWED IN HERE !”
The guy calmly takes out a fat bankroll , peels off a twenty and gives it to the bartender : “ Listen , the twenty is yours , just give me a double scotch . It’s a chimpanzee . They’re practically human . It won’t cause a problem , trust me.”
It’s slow , so the bartender gives him his drink . Then another. Meanwhile , the monkey is walking around looking at stuff but not causing trouble and the other customers seem amused , so cool …
But then it happens.
Bartender : “ Hey fuckin’ guy ! Your fuckin’ monkey just got up on the fuckin’ pool table , picked up the fuckin’ cue ball , made a kiss my ass gesture and then fuckin’ ate the fuckin’ cue ball.”
Guy : “What’s a kiss my ass gesture ?”
Bartender : “He kissed his fingers , pointed his ass in my direction ….LISTEN : GET THE FUCK OUT WITH THE FUCKIN’ MONKEY RIGHT NOW OR I’M FUCKIN’ CALLIN’ THE FUCKIN’ COPS. !!!!!!!!”
A few weeks later , the guy walks into the bar with the monkey who is wearing a coat and tie and a derby.
Bartender : “You really have have a pair of brass ones, pal. I told you, no fuckin’ moneys, now GET THE FUCK OUT !”
Guy takes out his bankroll and hands the bartender two twenties . “Listen , I really need a drink . I can absolutely guarantee the monkey won’t cause trouble. When he’s dressed up like this he always acts the perfect gentleman. Please”
The bartender pockets the cash . “Okay , but I am warning you.”
A little while later the guy is staring deep into his third drink , when the bartender screams. “YOUR FUCKIN’ MONKEY JUST WALKED DOWN THE BAR AND TOOK A FUCKIN’ MARASCHINO CHERRY OFF THE COUNTER , PUT IT IN HIS ASS , THEN FUCKIN’ ATE IT ! WHAT THE FUCK ??!!!!!
Guy : “Yeah, I know , he still eats everything he can get his hands on . But ever since he ate the cue ball he measures everything first.”
Did You A ) Find the Joke Funny ? B) Did You Laugh ?
If you are a professional comedian or a gifted joke teller the correct answers are A) Probably ; B) Probably Not
The joke is 400 words long and if told confidently and competently with the right voices, facial expressions and body language will take at the very least 2 minutes and 15 seconds to perform. If your audience begins laughing at the characters or situation it might be stretched out 30 seconds more : 2 minutes 45 seconds- Tops
And the reason any veteran joke teller rarely laughs at a great joke is they are immediately trying to figure out if it’s right for them. That is : Is it worth the investment to figure out how they might improve on the joke using their personality and individual brand of delivery . But most of all they are thinking who they can tell it to ? And, equally important — when ?
To Be Continued—
Lesson Two : Do You Really Have A Sense Of Humor ?