January-February 2017 Jokes, etc.

Hollywood Sign Changed to Hollyweed …Trump Sworn In …Women In  PMS Meltdown .., 

 

 

January 2017 Best of Web Jokes

 

A couple go to a marriage counselor but  they won’t stop yelling at each other. Finally the counselor says ,”Listen folks–settle down ! Let’s start  by reminding one another what you have in common. Anything?” After an awkward  silence the husband says ” Well for one, neither  of us will suck a dick.”

 

A real woman will never let you down She will comfort you after a bad day. She will inspire you  to do things you never thought you  could do. She will enable you to express your deepest emotions. She will enable you to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible …No, wait. Sorry. I’m thinking of Vodka. It’s Vodka  that does all that. Never mind.

 

Wife : “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks.
The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”
Husband : “How about the ones like mine?”
Wife : “Those they gave away.”
Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamed they were auctioning off cunts.
The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”
Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?”
Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”

 

BIG NAMES IN THE NEWS REDEFINE THE WORD : STRUGGLE 

 

 

“George Michael died at 53 and according to news reports was struggling with heroin addiction and his weight –i.e. he liked to get high and eat . His struggle was trying to still look like a rock star so he could A) get laid ; and B) have his many fans—although who they are (or were )  is not clear —fawn over him . When A & B were  not working out he realized he could afford to stay inside eat and get high. He’ll never know how the Game Of Thrones ends or if the Chicago Cubs can repeat –but where’s the struggle ?” UK Spectator

 

Unfortunately She Never Grew Any Taller

 

“Carrie Fisher died of a heart attack after a life of fame , drinking , drugs , huge weight fluctuations –all of which she struggled with. When she stayed sober for a period she wrote a book about drinking that was deemed amusing—by women–and the book was made into a successful Broadway Play . After being the sex object in one of the highest grossing films of all time she married a performing  midget –Paul Simon . The thing is, in photos he is seen to be a head taller , and there is  speculation that the reason why she struggled  to land romantic leads in films after Star Wars was that it was a struggle to find tiny furniture in order to make her look normal size.” P. Belphegor on Facebook

 

 

Gene Simmons, Kiss bass guitarist aka The Demon  currently struggling   to find a cure for Bell’s Palsy after his face froze permanently in odd expression.

 

 

Ever wonder what happens when you die? Actually a lot of things happen. It’s just none of them include you.

 

A Chinese family was escorted off a plane in Hong Kong because their 3 year old would not take his seat The problem was finally resolved but the 3 year old unfortunately missed his first day at work

 

The people who make cough syrup clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like.

 

“Women like honesty because it helps them rule you out faster” Jon Stewart

 

“I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!” Anon.

 

Interpreting what men say (women’s on-line survey ):

 

I can’t find it”

MEANS: It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely
clueless as to where it may be.

 

“Will you marry me?”

MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can’t find clean clothes, and there’s no peanut butter left.

 

“Can I help with dinner?”

MEANS: Why isn’t it already on the table?

 

“It would take too long to explain”

MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

 

“I’m getting more exercise lately”

MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

 

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”

MEANS: I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

 

“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”

MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a hot babe

 

“You really look terrific in that outfit.”

MEANS: Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.

 

“I’m not lost, I know exactly where we are.”

MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

 

Man  to woman holding screaming kid in line at Rite Aid –Can’t you put that fucking thing on vibrate?

 

“My wife was born in Jordan ?” “Amman?” “No she’s just got big hands , but you’re not the first to ask.”

 

My family can trace its ancestry all the way back to Tom–the guy credited with inventing Foolery .

Joke  of the Month

 

“Tears are running down the cheeks of the Statue of Liberty tonight as a grand tradition of America– welcoming immigrants– has been stomped upon”  Chuck Schumer

Trump signed an order halting  immigration from 7 countries identified as terrorist states by the UN for 90 days. The order allowed 50,000 refugees a year thereafter  –or the same number the Obama administration let in…

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