Millennial Selfies :
I hope when I die, it’s early in the morning, so I don’t go to work that day for no reason.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Lately, my sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me.
I always used a system with my roommate in school. I’d hang a sock on the door to let him know I was using the other one.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I’m gonna guess the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time, she didn’t even know I was at the window.
Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade.
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement. In the end, you ignore it all and click “I agree”.
If I’m ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website. I was worried she’d be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn’t.
My microwave broke and now I have to cook on the stove like goddamn Betty Rubble.
Just been doing some Do-It-Yourself using my stepladder. Not my real ladder; I never knew my real ladder.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group “The Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
“Dad I’m considering a career in Organized Crime.” Dad: “Government or Private Sector?”
Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist… I regretted it literally one minute later.
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but decided to just get a tan instead.
Plagiarism? Yes –I invented that word
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Nowadays, Captain America outsources much of his crime-fighting to Captain India.
“The most comfortable place to put your elbows at dinner is on the table, so I’m gonna go ahead and make those bad manners.” – Some Asshole
I went to a car parts store and told the guy behind the counter I wanted a gas cap for my Yugo. He said, ” Sounds like a fair trade”.
My financial situation is so bad, I’m being sponsored by a child in Africa.
Exactly how many hobbies do you have to suck at before taking up bird watching?
Saw someone try to park a car for 10 minutes. I didn’t see the driver, so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
I got fired from my job at the orange juice factory. I had trouble concentrating.
You know what I like to do? Answer my own questions.
All I remember is my fairy godmother asking me, “Do you want a long penis or a long memory?”
One in every three people is ugly. Next time you go to the movies look at the people on your left and right. If they look OK…guess what?
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent than those who don’t. At least that’s what I like to tell myself.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.”
I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts.
My band was due to play a benefit concert for pregnant teens, but we pulled out at the last second.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
The furniture store keeps calling me to come back, but all I wanted was that one night stand.
Men treat women like objects. Weird men treat objects like women.
(Camera cuts to me in crowd at NFL game holding a giant sign that says “I CAN’T BELIEVE THE HOT DOGS ARE 8 DOLLARS”)
Procrastinators are the leaders of tomorrow.
Thanks to home security commercials, I am now terrified of middle-aged white men.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Guy just asked me where a public phone was.I told him 1987.
This dude is using a pay phone, I guess someone got kidnapped
What if I’m actually attractive and hot girls just think I’m out of their league?
Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.