Office Alert: Headphones Recommended
Women who say childbirth is the most painful thing have obviously never stepped on a Lego.
If someone wins an argument with you ask them if they can say “I won a math debate” really fast.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading music illegally, I really hope they split us up by music genres.
Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.
Dieting during the holidays is tough. But the minute the Toyotathon is over—just watch me!
I asked a Scuba Diver a question about a thing I’ve wondered about for ages “Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats? DIVER “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
My parrot flew out of its cage a few months ago and started fucking the dog…I got some puppies going cheep if anyone’s interested…
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person… and that person drinks a lot.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends’ food looked like.
Girls Fall in love with what they hear, and guys fall in love with what they see. That’s why girls wear make-up and guys lie!
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
If God sneezes, what should you say?
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and went to confession
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” PeeWee Herman
I should’ve known it was never going to work with my ex-wife I’m a Scorpio and she’s Satan
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your troubles, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” -Theodore Roosevelt
English is weird-You can be understood through tough thorough thought though. Donald Trump
My humor is so dark it picks cotton. Elizabeth Warren
Guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.
He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window.
As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an A-Hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A kettle drum and a pair of cymbals fell down a
cliff………………..B-boom ! Tccch !
What do you say to a drummer with a pretty girl on his arm?
What’s the difference between a cello and a viola?
A cello burns longer.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely. My mother always said: “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “oh yeah……………….just you wait.”
Top 7 Country Western Songs
1. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
2. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
3. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here
4. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
5. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer
6 . It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
7. You are The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly
– Cats do what they want when they want.
– They are not predictable.
– They whine when they are not happy.
– When you want to play, they want to be left alone.
– When you want to be left alone, they want to play.
– They’re moody.
– They leave their hair everywhere.
– They drive you nuts.
Cats are just small women in fur coats!
Scientists may have discovered a method to extract gold from human waste. I’m going to wait and see if this shit pans out.
Lady Gaga at The Golden Globes: “I would just like to say as a woman in music, it’s really hard to be taken seriously as a musician and songwriter”
Ever notice the one thing the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist? It’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity…