Husband and wife sitting at opposite ends of a couch, arms crossed, staring at a marriage counselor. Marriage Counselor: “let’s start with each of you saying out loud what you both have in common ” Long Pause Husband: “Well, for one, neither of us will suck a dick. ”
Steven Wright One-Liners ( That Steven Wright Never Actually Said Out Loud )
Justin Bieber is marrying Hailey Baldwin Does anyone have an hourglass?
Madonna, Cher, and Rihanna had a big argument. They’re no longer on a first name basis,
I wanted to name my son after my father, but my wife didn’t think Dad was a good name for a boy.
I apologized to the chair for walking into it Let’s focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.
Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?
Supermarket: a place where you can spend a half-hour looking for instant coffee.
I bought some Haagen-Dazs ice cream, and as the cashier rang it up, I asked: “How do you pronounce that.” She said slowly: “Five dollars and 29 cents.”
I married “Miss Right” I just didn’t know her first name was “Always”
My friend is engaged to a pencil. He can’t wait to introduce his friends to his bride 2B
I have three kids named Ctrl, Alt and Del. When they mess up, I hit them all at once.
Racist jokes are like white people. They are the best.
Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?
Those of you who think you know it all are really annoying to those of us who do.
When I was a kid, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it
What employee evaluations really mean:
Character above reproach……….One step ahead of the law.
Exceptionally good judgment………..Lucky.
Great presentation skills……………..Bull shitter.
Independent worker…………Nobody knows what he/she does.
Experienced problem solver………………..Screws up often.
Relaxed attitude…………………Sleeps at the desk.
Career minded………………..Back Stabber.
Quick thinking…….Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.
Meticulous attention to detail………………Nitpicker.
Remembering The Classics …
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar by mistake. Sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Asks the bartender, “wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bartender says, “Listen, mister, the woman to your left is a three-time world champion weightlifter, and she’s a blonde. The woman to your right is a two-time WWE world champion professional wrestler, and she’s a blonde. And I’ve got a 12-gauge shotgun behind the bar, both barrels loaded, and I’m a blonde. Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke in here?” The blind guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Nah, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”
Kristen Chenoweth celebrated turning 50 by becoming the tannest Hollywood actress in history. Her secret? She dipped her body in egg wash and baked herself in an oven at 375 degrees for half an hour. She says 375 is important, at 450 degrees you burn off all your hair extensions
11 Nasty Comebacks Going Around
- You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?
- Please tell me this train of thought you’re on has a caboose
- Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither
- I’m trying my absolute hardest to see things from your perspective, but I just can’t get my head that far up my ass
- I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce
- Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d gotten enough oxygen at birth?
- Please, save your breath. You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date
- Good story, but in what chapter do you shut the fuck up?
- Please, keep talking. I only yawn when I’m super fascinated
- I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than whatever you just said
- If I threw a stick, you’d leave, right?
From The Golden Grooveyard…
The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while, they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope.
Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say.
He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns.
“Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?” Grumpy asks.
“No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall,” smiles the Pope.
“Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn’t have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?”
“I’m afraid not. Why do you ask?”
“No reason,” replies Grumpy.
“But you’re positive? Nobody in a habit that’s about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?”
“I’m sure, my vertically-challenged son,” says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
“Okay,” moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building.
“What’d he say? What’d he say?” chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, “He said they don’t have any.”
And the other six start chanting, “Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!”
11 offensive jokes going around despite the annoying backlash
- I suggested to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
- Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed and Driver’s Ed on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break at some point.
- How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don’t be stupid, feminists can’t change anything.
- How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles
- What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong.
- How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.
- What’s the difference between a woman and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.
- How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
- My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support
- Say what you want about pedophiles but they do drive slower through school zones
- What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn’t unwrapped his present
What’s worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic? Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.
My wife came into the living room and asked why our two-year-old son was crying. “He kicked me in the balls,” I snarled. “It’s not his fault,” she said, “he doesn’t understand that it hurts.” “He fucking does now,” I replied.
The Problem In A Nutshell
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”
The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one — we don’t have a car.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music – all that hip-hop and rap tap – but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”
The judge asked, “Is your husband a nagger?”
“Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me!”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in the hell do you want a divorce?
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The fool says he can’t communicate with me.”
Midterm Election Guide To How State Residents Think Of Themselves:
Alabama: Well.. at least we’re not Mississippi.
Alaska: Like Canada, but better.
Arizona: Papers, please. Just kidding…
Arkansas: The home of Bill Clinton. Sorry.
California: “We’re better than you, and we know it.”
Colorado: It’s the California you can afford to buy a house in.
Connecticut: “Full of pit stops when going from Boston to New York!”
Delaware: “Are you…are you talking me? It’s been years! Don’t leave!”
Florida: The more North you go the more South it gets!
Georgia: “Walking Dead and Archer: Come for the Cool.”
Hawaii: Yes, we’re technically a state!
Idaho: Please stop asking us about potatoes…
Illinois: Because Chicago isn’t big enough to be its own state.
Indiana: College Basketball!…and Corn.
Iowa: We’re relevant during the primaries!
Kansas: It’s like elevator music with grass.
Kentucky: Come for the bourbon, stay because you drank way too much bourbon.
Louisiana: Please send help.
Maine: As seen in every Stephen King novel!
Maryland: “We Have Crabs!”
Massachusetts: No, we don’t talk like that. Just stop.
Michigan: “Our main export is crippling depression.”
Minnesota: Cheese Is Good.
Mississippi: Well… at least we’re not Missis…D’oh!
Missouri: It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.
Montana: “Not Even Once.”
Nebraska: CORN! and not much else.
Nevada: Come on vacation, leave on probation.
New Hampshire: 69ing Vermont for over 200 years!
New Jersey: You can’t pump your own gas.
New Mexico: Better Mexico.
New York: “The city is just one small part of our state. There’s a lot of other stuff up here.”
North Carolina: We’re the best Carolina.
North Dakota: “If we called it ‘Upper South Dakota’ instead, would you want to visit?
Ohio: Where every vote counts and the seasons don’t matter.
Oklahoma: “Oklahoma is OK!”
Oregon: “Check out all our trees, man.”
Pennsylvania: It’s Always Sunny Here.
Rhode Island: Why are we a state?
South Carolina: Better Carolina.
South Dakota: No, really. The mountain monument is in this one!
Tennessee: A little bit country, a little bit rock ‘n’ roll.
Texas: Wake up in Texas. Drive all day. Still in Texas.
*BONUS* Texas: Stop asking us if it’s the heat or the humidity. It’s ALWAYS the humidity.
Utah: Bring your wives!
Vermont: “You drove right through it again.”
Virginia: What do you mean the North won?
Washington: You know all that stuff your state wants? Yeah, we already have that.
West Virginia: Not technically the South.
Wisconsin: It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, and that somewhere is right here.
Wyoming: Why are you in Wyoming?