The Funniest , Darkest, Most Disgusting ...

Comedian Known Only As "A. Dick" Wins 100 Years Of Hamsters

Contest Results Shrouded In Controversy

100 Years Of Hamsters Is A F*cking Great Prize--Grow The F*ck UP!

Listen Guys: Most people do not like funny people. Not really. The reasons are brutally straightforward. One-half of the male population dwell south of the Stanford -Binet line and thus are consumed with why shit keeps happening and when they’re going to be blamed for it. They are the reason for Carrot Top, Gallagher, and Will Ferrell  With rare exceptions women are not funny and believe anyone who tells jokes is overcompensating for character flaws and have deep-seated emotional pathologies. Beautiful women loathe funny people, most particularly of their own gender, simply because they’re serious rivals for the spotlight. Men with above average intelligence and ambition often like hanging around with funny guys, particularly when it’s time to get high and look for women. If, however, it’s about money, war, divorce or cancer –and that’s pretty much all there is after 30 –they have less and less time for funny friends.

It’s a safe bet anyone who comes up the Best Joke of The Year lives alone and will die alone. But even if somehow he is universally celebrated for his comic gifts, the ugly truth is no one will remember any of his jokes for the simple reason that he was likely the only one in the group who could remember jokes and that’s the main reason why he was considered the funny guy. So when he dies he will be forgotten as soon as the last punch line fades from memory–about two seconds after they scatter the ashes.   

Here’s the thing: if our actuaries are correct you are not going to live another 100  years . But the No Girls Allowed Writers Club definitely will be around  and we have access to an unlimited supply of hamsters. Not just raggedy ass wheel spinners either, but thoroughbreds equipped with microchips. If one of our hamsters comes to an abrupt end by misfortune or simply has to be put to sleep due to a personality disorder or incontinence, our central command will be instantly alerted and they will ship a new hamster by overnight  Fed-Ex delivery or, who can say, possibly a Star Trek transporter.  That means, hamsters with your name on the delivery slip will keep coming for a hundred years no matter what. If the recipients hate hamsters and start throwing them away they’ll keep getting them anyway. Imagine if the world ended in 50 years right after a hamster was delivered with your name on it –wouldn’t that be a form of immortality? Yes Or No?   

UPDATE: Former Club Sergeant At Arms  George Carlin dictated his dream for 100 years of hamsters this from his death bed in 2008. The fact that A.Dick won it and caused the tax brouhaha (de-emphasis on the last 2 syllables) does not detract in any way from these fine sentiments, we believe. 

Milestones In Levity

Senor Wences In First Known Performance Of The Vagina Monologues 

January 26 , 1958

Always Take Time Out To Smile 

Aesop 2018

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

          A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my penis and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

Moral : If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks. 

Oldies Grooveyard




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