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Former NBC Today Show Host Making A Comeback NYPOST

Caption Please

The Ass Man Updates A Fable

Aesop 2018

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

          A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my penis and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

Moral : If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks. 

In Honor Of Our "Sex" Centennial

The Greatest Joke Contest Ever!!!

Stare At This Space .Think Of A Joke. Submit It On The Form Below 

WIN 99 YEARS OF FREE HAMSTERS! 

Believe It Or Not : It Really Is That Simple 

Milestones In Levity

Senor Wences In First Known Performance Of The Vagina Monologues 

January 26 , 1958

Why 99 Years Of Free Hamsters Is A Great Grand Prize--So Fucking Grow The Fuck UP!

Listen  : Most people do not like  funny people . Not really . The reasons are brutally straightforward . About one-half the male population dwell south of the Stanford -Binet line and thus are consumed with why shit keeps happening and when they’re going to be blamed for it.They are the reason for Carrot Top , Gallagher and Will Ferrell  With rare exceptions women are not funny and believe anyone who tells jokes is overcompensating for character flaws and have deep seated emotional pathologies. Beautiful women loathe funny people, most particularly of their own gender — simply because they are  serious rivals for the spotlight. Men with above average intelligence and ambition often like hanging around with funny guys , particularly when it’s time to get high and look for women. If , however, it’s business , war , divorce or cancer –and that’s pretty much all there is  after age 25 –they have little time for funny friends.

It’s a safe bet  anyone funny enough to come up the Best Joke of 2018 to celebrate our spectacular  Sex-A-Centennial celebration will die alone. But even if against all odds  somehow he is universally celebrated  for his comic gifts, the ugly truth is no one will remember any of his  jokes for the simple reason that he was  the only one in the group who remembered any jokes in the first place and that’s why he was considered the funny guy. So when he dies he will be forgotten as soon as the last punch line fades from memory,  which will be about two seconds after they  scatter the ashes.   

Here’s the thing :if our actuaries are correct  you are not going to live another 99 years . But the No Girls Allowed Writers Club definitely will be around  and we have access to an unlimited supply of hamsters. Not just raggedy ass wheel spinners either, but thoroughbreds equipped with microchips . That is, if our hamsters come to an abrupt end by  misfortune or, say, have to be  put to sleep due to extreme incontinence , our central command will  immediately be alerted and they will ship a new hamster  by overnight  Fed-Ex delivery or , who can say , possibly a Star Trek transporter.  

So win the contest and some lucky heir or family– and perhaps their children and even possibly their children’s children–will get a regular supply of hamsters each with a card saying Compliments of (Your Name Here) The Funny Guy. 

Oldies Grooveyard

Don’t

Dither 

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