July-August 2017 Jokes, etc.

Trump Body Slams CNN Reporter …NYC Mayor Called Deutsch Bag For Jetting Off To Germany After Cop Killed…OJ Released .. Sean Spicer Resigns 

July 2017 Best Of The Web Jokes

TIP : If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s probably an impostor Jesus.

 

So my boss says  to me, “Why is it that when things go wrong you always blame somebody else?” I said, “No, you’re thinking of Bob: he’s the one always blaming others.”

 

Rodney Dangerfield  : My wife and I got a divorce and split the house. I got the outside.

 

“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”- The inventor of coasters

 

Why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper” ?

 

The first 600 years or so of heaven is mostly harp lessons

 

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.Let he who is without stone come on down to Steve’s Stone Supply, billboards  at  Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

 

 

Little Johnny was playing with his train set on the living room floor. “ALL ABOARD DUMB SHITS !” he shouted. “Get your asses on the train, sit the f*** down, and keep your God Damned hands to yourself you groping perverts!” “JOHNNY!” exclaimed his mother. “We DO NOT talk like that in the house, or anywhere young man!” “You sit in the chair for 15 minutes to think about your terrible language”. After 15 minutes, Johnny was allowed to return to the playset, where he politely said “Ladies and gentlemen, please board carefully, kindly take your seats, and have a wonderful day!” “Oh, and if any of you wonder why the train has been delayed 15 minutes, see the bitch in the kitchen”.

 

Dear Son,

I’m writing this slow cause I know you can’t read fast. I know, it’s the teacher’s fault for making you read in class when you had your Nintendo and were getting better skills and beating the games. Did we tell you We don’t live where we did when you left? Won’t be able to send you the address as the last  family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place has a washing machine!  Landlord bought it with our EBT cash we gave him for deposit. The first day I put four shirts in it, pushed down the handle and shirts swirled away into the hole and haven’t seen ’em since. We blame Trump and Russians for taking our shirts.  Good thing we are a block away from Walmart. We can get new shirts, return them to get different colors, repeat for two weeks and then return again for cash refund. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Hillary said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning.  I haven’t found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don’t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Other than that, Not much more news this time. If you don’t get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

 

 

I love you loads, honey pie,” my wife said to me. I replied, “And I love you tons.” “What, no nickname for me?” she asked,  Sometimes I swear she’s going deaf.

 

If “I am.” is the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I Do” is the longest ?

 

Women love a man brimming with confidence, because without that, what is there to destroy?

 

Lonely Lives Of Scientists …

 I used to think the brain was the most important organ, until I realized what was telling me that.

Imagine a world with no hypothetical situations.

Particle accelerators give me a Hadron.

Remember, if you aren’t part of the solution, you are probably part of the precipitate.

According to the laws of chemistry, alcohol actually is a solution.

What is a social life and where can I download one?

“Sorry,” says the bartender, “We don’t serve your type in here.” A faster-than-light neutrino walks into a bar.

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. It took him 10 minutes to pass the salt.

 

My parents never allowed violent video games, just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who bludgeoned this guy with a pipe?”

 

Your Mama’s so fat, when she sat on an iPhone it turned into an iPad.

 

A man is holding his newborn son for the first time when suddenly the kid starts tapping on his Dad’s forehead and says “How do you like it asshole?”

 

My sex life is like a Ferrari – I don’t have one.

 

Don’t you hate it when you’re typing something and you’re thinking about something else, so then you subconsciously type what you were tits?

 

So, one sperm says to another, “Last one in gets the rotten egg!”.

 

Valentine’s Day is for lovers. For everyone else, there’s Palm Sunday.

Joke Of The Month 

NYC Mayor De Blasio’s daily trip from the Upper East Side to his gym in Brooklyn requires four SUV’s and a motorcycle cop –all sirens blasting . After complaints of subway breakdowns, filthy conditions  and homeless threatening passengers , his honor took an actual trip on the subway and declared  the complaints “overblown.” It was later revealed by hacked e-mails that police were ordered to clear all homeless off the trains and crews were paid overtime to clean stations on the route .

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