March-April 2017 Jokes,etc.

AG Sessions Admits Putting Russian Dressing On Salad  …House Fails To Repeal Obamacare …Trump Tweets Obama Wiretapped Trump Tower

Holy Crap ! Coyotes Seen  In NYC  !!!  Cops Warn Of Possible Falling Anvils 

March 2017 Best Of Web Jokes

“America has more unskilled Mexicans than any country needs, including countries whose names begin with ‘Mex’ and end in ‘-ico’” Mark Steyn

 

“I love you with all my butt,
I would say my heart, but my butt is a lot bigger!” Country & Western Song

 

Yoga class is great. You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga

 

Save the earth : It’s the only planet with drugs on it: 

Anybody who watches Star Trek knows  the ENTIRE  UNIVERSE speaks English.” Comic-Con Quote 

 

“Never liked children , although I was forced to  go to school with a number  of them years ago . Incredibly stupid and self -centered , mostly”  Evelyn Waugh, Letter to his son Auberon found in 2017.

 

 

Muslim boy asks his mom: “Mama, what is the difference between Democracy and Racism?”

Mother, wearing  burka : “Well, son, Democracy is when taxpayers work hard every day so we can get  our benefits– like free housing, free healthcare, free education, and grants to build our mosque and cultural centers and so on. That is Democracy.”

“Mama, but don’t tax payers get angry about this?” “Sure they do. And that is  Racism!”

 

Success is like being pregnant Everyone congratulates you, but no one ever asks how many times you’ve been fucked to get there:

 

 

“One Great Thing About Daylight Savings Time : On  Monday You Can Have Many Conversations With Coworkers  How Neat It Is That You Can Go Out Later And Not Have To Worry About Vampires.” Fake Trump Tweet Actually  Reported on CNN

 

Big shout out to slugs ! They’re out there every day, doing the same stuff as snails, but without a helmet.

 

The big drawback about being a snail or a slug  is you can never put salt on your French Fries

 

New York Pick Up Line “Get Your Coat.”

 

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really… We just tell them they’re going to die…”

 

This is quite profound…
I am going to reveal to you 8 magic words. With these words you will have a valuable insight into issues you have worried about for too long If these words were spoken years ago we would have entirely different influences in music , movies, and language. If these words were spoken years ago, we would have had fewer wars / riots and the streets would be safer If these words were spoken years ago,  our cities would be  prospering as well as the small towns.
If these words were spoken years ago our welfare system , health care and entitlements would be far less costly and our national debt a lot  smaller Ready? Fuck It , Let’s Just Pick Our Own  Cotton”

 

 

McGee says to his wife “put on your jacket, I’m off to the pub”. His wife, shocked, says “Oh honey, you’re taking me with you?” McGee : “No, idiot,  I’m turning off the heat”

 

May your health be like the capital of Ireland –Always Dublin!

 

Two Guys Arguing Over Which Is Stronger : Irish or Scotch Whiskey “You’ll never convince me , Scotch is stronger. The other night me wife and I drank down a quart each of Irish and the next morning  we got up at 7 AM and went to Mass !”“So what –a lot of Irish go to Mass at 7 AM ”“Maybe, but we’re Jewish.”

 

“Even though he is now past 90 . Wait ! I just found out he died …about an hour ago . Anyway Chuck Berry’s  new album , even though he’s dead will be exponentially better than anything put out by Justin Bieber or Eminem Guaranteed”   Radio DJ  overheard in Uber Car .

 

If I had a dollar for every time someone called my ex-wife ugly, I would have stayed with her for the money. Rodney Dangerfield

 

Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

 

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

 

Parties: Going Without New Outfits

 

Bathroom Etiquette: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

 

Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, Not The First

 

Communication Skills II: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

 

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

 

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

 

Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have

 

Oil and Gasoline : Yes, Your Car Needs Both

 

TRUE FACT : Guards posted outside hospital rooms in movies have a 0% success rate

 

Lawyers will insist you are innocent until you’re proven broke.

 

Joke Of The Month

After Meryl Streep went on rant and broke  down in tears at the Golden Globes over his immigration policies  President Trump tweeted that she was “overrated.” When Jimmy Kimmel jokingly kept referring to her as overrated at the Oscar Awards, Streep became visibly embarrassed and left the ceremonies –reportedly “in a huff.”   She  was last seen in the hilariously unfunny and incredibly boring Florence …something

 

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