March-April 2017 Jokes,etc.
AG Sessions Admits Putting Russian Dressing On Salad …House Fails To Repeal Obamacare …Trump Tweets Obama Wiretapped Trump Tower
Holy Crap ! Coyotes Seen In NYC !!! Cops Warn Of Possible Falling Anvils
March 2017 Best Of Web Jokes
“America has more unskilled Mexicans than any country needs, including countries whose names begin with ‘Mex’ and end in ‘-ico’” Mark Steyn
“I love you with all my butt,
I would say my heart, but my butt is a lot bigger!” Country & Western Song
Yoga class is great. You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga
Save the earth : It’s the only planet with drugs on it:
“Anybody who watches Star Trek knows the ENTIRE UNIVERSE speaks English.” Comic-Con Quote
“Never liked children , although I was forced to go to school with a number of them years ago . Incredibly stupid and self -centered , mostly” Evelyn Waugh, Letter to his son Auberon found in 2017.
Muslim boy asks his mom: “Mama, what is the difference between Democracy and Racism?”
Mother, wearing burka : “Well, son, Democracy is when taxpayers work hard every day so we can get our benefits– like free housing, free healthcare, free education, and grants to build our mosque and cultural centers and so on. That is Democracy.”
“Mama, but don’t tax payers get angry about this?” “Sure they do. And that is Racism!”
Success is like being pregnant Everyone congratulates you, but no one ever asks how many times you’ve been fucked to get there:
“One Great Thing About Daylight Savings Time : On Monday You Can Have Many Conversations With Coworkers How Neat It Is That You Can Go Out Later And Not Have To Worry About Vampires.” Fake Trump Tweet Actually Reported on CNN
Big shout out to slugs ! They’re out there every day, doing the same stuff as snails, but without a helmet.
The big drawback about being a snail or a slug is you can never put salt on your French Fries
New York Pick Up Line “Get Your Coat.”
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really… We just tell them they’re going to die…”
This is quite profound…
I am going to reveal to you 8 magic words. With these words you will have a valuable insight into issues you have worried about for too long If these words were spoken years ago we would have entirely different influences in music , movies, and language. If these words were spoken years ago, we would have had fewer wars / riots and the streets would be safer If these words were spoken years ago, our cities would be prospering as well as the small towns.
If these words were spoken years ago our welfare system , health care and entitlements would be far less costly and our national debt a lot smaller Ready? Fuck It , Let’s Just Pick Our Own Cotton”
McGee says to his wife “put on your jacket, I’m off to the pub”. His wife, shocked, says “Oh honey, you’re taking me with you?” McGee : “No, idiot, I’m turning off the heat”
May your health be like the capital of Ireland –Always Dublin!
Two Guys Arguing Over Which Is Stronger : Irish or Scotch Whiskey “You’ll never convince me , Scotch is stronger. The other night me wife and I drank down a quart each of Irish and the next morning we got up at 7 AM and went to Mass !”“So what –a lot of Irish go to Mass at 7 AM ”“Maybe, but we’re Jewish.”
“Even though he is now past 90 . Wait ! I just found out he died …about an hour ago . Anyway Chuck Berry’s new album , even though he’s dead will be exponentially better than anything put out by Justin Bieber or Eminem Guaranteed” Radio DJ overheard in Uber Car .
If I had a dollar for every time someone called my ex-wife ugly, I would have stayed with her for the money. Rodney Dangerfield
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
Parties: Going Without New Outfits
Bathroom Etiquette: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, Not The First
Communication Skills II: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
Oil and Gasoline : Yes, Your Car Needs Both
TRUE FACT : Guards posted outside hospital rooms in movies have a 0% success rate
Lawyers will insist you are innocent until you’re proven broke.
Joke Of The Month
After Meryl Streep went on rant and broke down in tears at the Golden Globes over his immigration policies President Trump tweeted that she was “overrated.” When Jimmy Kimmel jokingly kept referring to her as overrated at the Oscar Awards, Streep became visibly embarrassed and left the ceremonies –reportedly “in a huff.” She was last seen in the hilariously unfunny and incredibly boring Florence …something