March – April 2018 Jokes, etc.

 

Tip Of The Month

If you’ve forgotten your Bluetooth headset,  wearing sunglasses indoors is an equally effective douchebag indicator.

 

What’s brown & wrinkly & lives in a bell tower? The Lunch Bag of Notre Dame.


Jimmy Choo ‘s Lunch Bag  1/2 off At Madison Ave Store $1750

 

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:

> 40-ish………………………………….49
> Adventurous……………………………..Slept with everyone
> Athletic………………………………..No tits
> Average looking………………………….Moooo
> Beautiful……………………………….Pathological liar
> Buxom…………………………………..Fat
> Emotionally secure……………………….On medication
> Feminist………………………………..Fat
> Free spirit……………………………..Junkie
> Friendship first…………………………Former slut
> New-Age…………………………………Body hair in the wrong places
> Old-fashioned……………………………No BJs
> Open-minded……………………………..Desperate
> Outgoing………………………………..Loud and Embarrassing
> Professional…………………………….Bitch
> Voluptuous………………………………Very Fat
> Large frame……………………………..Hugely Fat
> Wants soul mate………………………….Stalker

 

“A man  can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for serious stupidity, nothing beats  teamwork.” Bill Veeck

 

“I thought my vasectomy… would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby. “ Rodney Dangerfield

 

“I love Jesus. He’s born, I get presents.He dies, I get chocolate.” Andrew Cuomo

 

” My dick is so big, it can overthrow the government if it wants to. You live in the Democratic Republic of My Dick whether you know it or not. My dick is so big, it doesn’t return Spielberg’s calls. My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.” James Comey, Quotes from the book A Higher Loyalty

 

Steven Hawking Died! Who ?? The guy who does the emergency alert broadcasts on the radio!

 

Dilbert Cartoons often brighten the day :

 

 

 

 

 

St. Patrick’s Day –Ancient Book  Found In Dublin, Ireland: Dancing Part II Using The Arms  

 

 

 

 

Hillary Clinton tells  an audience in India  that people who supported President Trump in 2016 did so because they “didn’t like black people getting rights, or women getting jobs”

 

 

  

Right before the election, a bunch of hate-filled conspiracy theorists started spreading false rumors that Hillary Clinton wasn’t in the pink of health. Sure, on September 11, 2016—a day in which the temperature in NYC soared all the way into the low 80s, she collapsed in front of her limo, but that’s because she was overheated and dehydrated from her dogged and empowering campaign schedule. And earlier while she was campaigning, some racists said she appeared to have a seizure, but anyone who’s watched that tape knows she was just horsing around.And, yes, if you want to nitpick, it’s true that she stumbled while boarding a plane in 2011, but this happens to everyone. And if you’re a dedicated misogynist, you’ll also point out that she fell inside her DC home in 2013 on the eve of the Benghazi hearings, suffering a mild concussion. And she had another pratfall in 2016 while boarding a plane in North Carolina. And last year she appeared on The Graham Norton Show in London wearing a surgical boot after tripping on stairs in her hotel. Now a lot of Fox News types want to say she broke her wrist falling down steps (below0 Totally untrue. She broke her wrist slipping in the bathtub later

 

The Sitcom  Roseanne Returns To Prime Time With A Shocking Premise: The Main Character Voted For The President!

Forty Years Ago Archie Bunker & Hollywood Squares Shocked Audiences With These Lines

 

EDITH: ” Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs are not green?”

ARCHIE: “AWWW EDITH !–It’s just a-sayin’ Like when somebody gets caught stealin’ they say they got caught ‘red handed’, even though their hands are  black.”

 

ARCHIE: You put a Jap and a Chink together, you gonna tell me which is which

MIKE STIVIC: That’s right because I find out about them. I talk to them as individually

ARCHIE Sure you talk to them. You say, “Which one of you guys is the Chink?”

 

GLORIA: Do you know that sixty percent of all deaths in America are caused by guns?

ARCHIE  Would it make you feel any better, little girl if they was pushed out of windows?

 

MIKE  Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

ARCHIE: Denmark ain’t no state. It’s the capital of Colorado.

 

ARCHIE: “In New York at least you know why you’re bein’ murdered  In California, you have to guess.”

 

ARCHIE If your spics and your spades want their rightful share of the American dream, let ’em get out there and hustle for it like I done.

Mike: So now you’re going to tell me the black man has just as must chance as the white man to get a job?

Archie: More, he has more… I didn’t have no million people marchin’ and protestin’ to get me my job.

Edith: No, his uncle got it for him.

 

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES :

 

Peter Marshall:  Paul, where at any one time will you find one quarter of the earth’s population?

Paul Lynde:  Crossing the Rio Grande.

 

 

Peter Marshall: You are married in India . How did you probably meet your spouse

Paul Lynde: we were fighting over a lima bean .

 

Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Peter Marshall: Imagine you are a child in your mother’s womb, can you detect light?
Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

 

Long Joke Of The Month

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2018 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S8® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of  dollar’s worth  of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know nothing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”

 

Baseball Season Begins

“It isn’t the high price of stars that is expensive, it’s the high price of mediocrity.”

“I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around a ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.”

“Sex doesn’t hurt a player’s performance, it’s looking for sex that does him in .”

Bill Veeck

 

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