May-June 2017 Jokes, etc.

Spinner Craze Dethrones Pokemon Go Craze …Confederate Statues Removed From New Orleans …Trump Brands  Negative Press Covfefe 

May 2017 Best Of The Web Jokes

 

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Nose… I’m not saying her nose is big ..
but she could smoke a cigarette in the shower .

 

Don’t worry about the problems in North Korea. We’ve sent the B-52’s over. They’ll surrender once they’ve listened to Love Shack a few times.

 

Random Stand-up Comedy Lines :

Maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit.

 

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

 

What do a pile of bricks and a fat chick have in common? Eventually they’re both going to be laid by a Mexican.

 

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off

your ear.

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

I got no respect from my old man. I asked him, “How can I get my kite
in the air?” He says, “Run off a cliff.”

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to
time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet
she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only problem was that she was coming home.

A girl phones me and says, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I
went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she starts crying. I say, ‘Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She says, ‘No, I hate myself
now.’

I knew a girl so ugly… they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchenthe roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” Hesaid, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?”

He said: “Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

 

MORE Random Stand-up Lines :

 

I don’t believe I have a have a superiority complex. I’ll just wait here while you look up what that means

 

My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

 

I passed a homeless guy on the street and he said “Any change!?”I said “Nope, you’re still dirty and homeless”We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me.

 

Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

 

Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

 

Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

 

Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

 

Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

 

The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 

Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

 

Joke Of The Month

Much to the dismay of whatever that is standing next to him , James “O LORDY”  Comey , FBI Chief , was fired by the president on May 9th .

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