My new girlfriend really hates it when I use the words “retard” and “cunt”. So I’ve promised to make a real effort to learn her kids’ real names.
FACT: No One Has Seen The Quakers Oats Guy Since Barbara Bush Died (so the rumors persist)
Guy gets a call from the police telling him that a gang has broken into his house consumed all his beer and raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and he says, “There’s got to be some mistake – nobody would’ve fucked my wife after only five beers!”
When we finally travel millions of light years and get to alien civilizations, it’d be cool to make patterns on their crops and then leave
On Book Tour, Bill Clinton finally explained why he had the affair with Monica –Hillary only blows elections.
Can you tie a knot?” “I cannot.” “So you can knot?” “No, I cannot knot.” “Not knot?” “Who’s there?” “Eat Me.”
The police called me to tell me my wife was in the hospital… “How is she?” I asked.
“Very critical,” replied the officer. “What is she fucking complaining about now?” Rodney Dangerfield
I was fired for sending one of my students to detention “for being tardy”. I guess special education just isn’t for me
Less Famous Last Words
“He’s probably just hibernating.”
“What does this button do?”
“I’m making a citizen’s arrest.”
“Are you sure the power is off?”
“The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!”
“I wonder where the mother bear is?”
“I’ve seen this done on TV.”
“These are the good kind of mushrooms.”
“I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.”
“Let it down slowly.”
“Rat poison only kills rats.”
“It’s strong enough for both of us.”
“This doesn’t taste right.”
“I can make this light before it changes.”
“I can do that with my eyes closed.”
“Don’t Worry -I’ve done this before.”
“Well, we’ve made it this far.”
“You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you?”
They’re making a movie about Donald Trump’s experiences during the Vietnam War. . . Full Dinner Jacket.
My Super Pedro says he thinks English is weird. I told him to it is understood through tough thorough thought, though and he’s just a lazy prick –noun not verb.
The Spanish word of the day is “wheelchair.” There’s only one donut left, so wheelchair
Apparently, men think about sex every seven seconds…so luckily, I wrote this in sex.
Great ! So, now there’s an Amazon River? What Next? Fucking Sea of Google ? Mount Pay Pal ?
The top 12 suggested names for a line of WalMart Wines:
12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart “Merde du Pays”
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
1. Nasti Spumanti
Kid: “Mom, am I ugly?” Mom: “I told you not to call me mom in public.”
I’m seriously contemplating remarrying my ex-wife but I’m scared she’ll realize I’m just after my money
Just pooped my underpants. Which is weird, because I don’t even remember eating them.
There’s talk of legalizing marijuana in Utah. The Mormons are against it -they’re worried it might be a gateway drug to coffee.
Starbucks is doing the right thing. As Martin Luther King said, “I have a dream that one day the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will sit together at the table of brotherhood on really tall stools and use the bathroom without buying anything.”
Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier:
St. Mom’s Wort — Plant extract that treats Mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen — Highly effective lotion that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait til they moved out.
Flipitor — Increases commuter life expectancy by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics — When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin — Potent anti-boyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person…”
Anti-talksident — A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Why do so many Democrats live in L.A.? It’s the only city that is easy enough for them to spell
Sadly the days of people using proper English are went
The President of Iran calls Trump & tells him “I had a dream last night….”
“New York was in ruins & aflame, with Iranian flags flying above.”
Trump replies: “Funny, I had a dream last night too. Teheran beautiful and prosperous, happy people celebrating in the streets, with big banners hanging everywhere.”
“What did the banners say?”, asked the Iranian President.
“I don’t know,” Trump answers, “I can’t read Hebrew.”
This woman, Netta Barzilai, won the Euro Vision song contest with the lyrics -” I am a beautiful creature” –despite fairly compelling evidence to the contrary.
When then-president Ulysses S. Grant was 50 years old he called in reporters and to the White House and did 50 pull-ups. He regularly went on benders lasting two weeks or more which was probably an indication of a bipolar disorder. He got mouth cancer from smoking 20 30 cigars a day and when totally broke and dying in his last year of life wrote 15,000 words a day of brilliant, lucid prose
Grant also tried songwriting, which didn’t work out as well :
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
When an eel bites your hand
And that’s not what you planned
That’s a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That’s our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That’s some more hay.
When Othello’s poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That’s a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
Jeopardy Category: Italians
What do you call an Italian medium?
One Mary, one Jesus and 33 wise guys.
What is different about the Italian version of Christmas?
Gorillas in the Mist.
What do you call Italian women in a steam bath?
What’s the name of the new Italian airline that flies out of Genoa?
Shout excitedly and wave arms.
What’s the highest terrorism alert level in Italy?
What do Italians call a suppository?
TIP If you’re a hostage and the gunman says “Who shall I shoot first?”
Saying, “It’s WHOM shall I shoot first?” is not the best answer.
My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.
I love Sharpies!
“What is the secret behind your happy married life?”
I said, “You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems.”
They asked, “Can you explain?”
I said, “In my house, I make decisions on bigger issues whereas my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere with each other’s decisions.”
Still not convinced, they asked me to give some examples”
I said, “Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much money to save, where we should live, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree with it”
Then they asked, “Then what is your role?”
I said, “My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether all countries should raise sanctions on N. Korea, whether or not we should impose Steel tariffs. Do you want to know what I think about steel tariffs ?”
You gotta like at least one of these
Submitted by Bushy6l
I’m wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight… It’s probably not a good night to go to jail.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30 pm.
Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night… especially considering I walked there.
For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn’t get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don’t have kids.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but it’s kind of ironic that there are so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not necessarily code for ‘stripper.’
And apparently, you can’t get a sick leave just because you’re sick of seeing everyone at the office.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My girlfriend left me for a Hindu guy. Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
How much morning wood, would my girlfriend suck, if she ever sucked and if I had a girlfriend. Whatever.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
My wife is playing hard to get. Rid of.
I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – call it the grocery store”.
Two dead canaries for sale on E-bay, not going cheep.
An International Guide To Terror Alerts
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist incidents and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”…
The latest Henny Youngman jokes :
I went into a store to buy some insecticide. I said, “Is this any good for flies?” The shopkeeper said, “Not really, it kills them.”
Here’s a list of jobs that no longer exist 1)Steve
The Doctor told me I should work out with dumbbells, so now when I go to the gym I take my wife’s family
You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Dad, so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the freezer last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
What do we want? “Low flying planes!” When do we want them? “NNNEEEOOOOWWWwwwwww”
Fidget spinners are stupid Says the generation that bought 2.5 million pet rocks.
Two more things you probably can’t say ten times fast :
I’m not the fig plucker, nor the fig plucker’s son, but I’ll pluck figs till the fig plucker comes.
I’m not the pheasant plucker, I’m the pheasant plucker’s son. I’m only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I’m a nice person.