May 2019 Jokes

 

What Do You Call 4 Mexicans in Quicksand? Cuatro Cinco

Maria, a Mexican woman, was extremely religious. When she married Pablo, she felt that birth control was going against God’s will and the couple had 17 children.  But then Pablo got sick and died. Then Maria married  Pedro, and again, because of her religious beliefs, they had fifteen kids. Pedro died and soon after Maria passed away as well. At her funeral mass, the priest looked down at the coffin then looked up at the sky and said, “They’re finally together.” After the service, a family member asked the priest. “Father, when you said, ‘they’re finally together,’ did you mean Maria and her first husband Pablo  or Maria and her second husband Pedro ?” The priest sighed, “I was talking about her legs.”

Remembering Mitch Hedberg :

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy –Refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does, then you add “er.”

I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine five years from now saying, “Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank.”

Southern California could never have a superhero. First off, he could never convince enough people of the difference between right and wrong. Who would be the villain?  Punctuality?

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.

A fly was very close to being called a “land” because that’s what it does half the time.

I just was told by T Mobile I didn’t have the qualifications to answer a phone and by Microsoft not the qualifications to make a phone call but then the army said they’d trust me with a machine gun.

 

 

Weird Fact: Martin Van Buren invented the two-party system but it’s rarely mentioned because historians can’t get past  his badass sideburns

I woke up this morning, got dressed and went into the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
“What are you doing?” I asked her. I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,” she replied. Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself, “I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock…”

I just figured out if I had a nickel for every math test I failed, I’d have 83 cents

I don’t get my news from CNN for the same reason I don’t eat out of the toilet.”  Roger Stone

Every election cycle progressives sell the naïve delusion  that  they will deliver happiness by taking it away from others.” H.L.Mencken 1919

“If I had my choice I would kill every reporter in the world, but I am sure we would be getting reports from Hell before breakfast.” – William Tecumseh Sherman

I didn’t fire him because he was a dumb son of a bitch, although he was, but that’s not against the law for generals. If it was, half to three-quarters of them would be in jail.” Harry S. Truman On General MacArthur

I’ll never forget my music teacher’s inspiring words “If you don’t start behaving A-hole, I’ll tell your parents that you have a talent for music. ” Philip Larkin

 

 April 15th Redux 

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes. Me: How much do I owe?
Government: You have to figure that out. Me: I just pay what I want?
Government: Oh no, we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong? Government: You go to prison.

The IRS suspected a fishing Boat Owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his
Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS Auditor  “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.
Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.
Then there’s the mentally challenged guy.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90%
of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen
Budweiser’s every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.
IRS Auditor: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.
Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

 

Remembering Notre Dame

(This Was Voted Funniest Joke Of The year In Japan) 

“I remembered once, in Japan, having been to see the Gold Pavilion Temple in Kyoto and being mildly surprised at quite how well it had weathered the passage of time since it was first built in the fourteenth century. I was told it hadn’t weathered well at all and had in fact been burnt to the ground twice in this century. “So it isn’t the original building?” I had asked my Japanese guide.
“But yes, of course, it is,” he insisted, rather surprised at my question.
“But it’s burnt down?”
“Yes.”
“Twice.”
“Many times.”
“And rebuilt.”
“Of course. It is an important and historic building.”
“With completely new materials.”
“But of course. It was burnt down.”
“So how can it be the same building?”
“It is always the same building.”
I had to admit to myself that this was, in fact, a perfectly rational point of view, it merely started from an unexpected premise. The idea of the building, the intention of it, its design, are all immutable and are the essence of the building. The intention of the original builders is what survives. The wood of which the design is constructed decays and is replaced when necessary. To be overly concerned with the original materials, which are merely sentimental souvenirs of the past, is to fail to see the living building itself.” ― Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

Dating Rituals:

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite oral sex.
Second Date: You get more great oral sex.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and you never get oral sex again.

CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She’s pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father’s girlfriend’s mother, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and his three kids move in … and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?
The Actual Title Of This Should Be: The Case For Irish Women

 

If You Can’t Leave ‘Em Laughing , Try This : The doctor tells a dying man he should make his final arrangements. So calls his family to his bedside and in a quavering voice  announces:
“Marian, my loving wife, I want you to take all the apartment buildings on the east side.” “Lola, my blessed daughter, take all the condo developments uptown.” “Seymour, faithful son. take all the office properties downtown.”“Herbert, dearest nephew,  take all the beach houses.” Shortly after he  passes on  the doctor, impressed by this enormous wealth of property, says to his wife, “That’s quite a lot of valuable real estate for one man to have accumulated in a lifetime.” The wife says, “Real Estate? Those are his paper routes.”

The perfect threesome  Me, Aunt Jemima, and Mrs. Butterworth!

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you But your background check was hilarious.

Edgar Allan Poe…because Edgar Allan got no job.

There’s a new mint flavored birth control pill for women, taken immediately before sex. Predickamints

Don’t You Hate It When Your Wife Calls You At Work, “Hi honey, do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you, and they’re stabbing it so hard that they want you to die?” “No?”  “Ok, hold on……….how about now?”

Turns out Jack & Jill worked for the  New York City’s De Blasio administration –in case you’re wondering why they dug the well at the top of the hill

That awkward moment when you run after someone really sexy  and smack into a full-length mirror

When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.

Advice to 2019 Graduating Class Sleep with anti-vaxers  3 years of child support is way better than 18

Advice To Everyone: The More You Weigh, The Harder You Are To Kidnap :

 

 

 

 

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