November – December 2017 Jokes, etc

Muslim Kills 8 In NYC …Nut Massacres 26 In Texas Church….Giants Bench Manning ! …Satan Makes Room For Manson  

November 2017 Best Of The Web Jokes

New Border Jumping Tactics Suspected 

 

What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common? The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldn’t find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious Basterds.

 

My wife looks just like Kate Upton, 

….only she’s six inches shorter, seventy pounds heavier, flat-chested and Filipino.

 

Farcical: a long bike ride.

Acoustic: the thing used to hit the balls in billiards.

Eyebrows: what I do when I go shopping.

Allegro: one leg becoming longer than the other.

Dulcet: boring tennis.

Billow: what you sleep on when you have a bad cold.

Condominium: birth control for dwarfs.

Cellulite: what a power company does.

 

 

You Have To Hand It To Turkeys : No Matter How Much Weight They Pack On They Never Show It In Their Face

 

There is a right time and a wrong time to correct spelling and syntax errors :

NOT NOW 

 

Trying to make a list of things that are worse than Mondays and all I’ve got so far is Hitler and Christian Rock.

 

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

 

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol.

 

I ditched my girlfriend. For lying. Under my best friend.

 

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house.

 

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

 

Job Interview :

“Any public speaking experience?”
“Not since the Valedictorian speech in high school.”
“Very impressive”
“I yelled ‘YOU SUCK!'”
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”
“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo.”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?
“Sorry, that’s a mistake.”
“So you haven’t?”
“I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there.”
“Tell me about a time you defied authority to achieve a goal.”
“No.”

 

Tobacco Smoke Enema Kit – (1750s – 1810s).

The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily as a cure for constipation Doubts about the efficacy of the procedure led to the popular phrase “blowing smoke up your ass” and eventually  the government confiscated all the instruments . However , they were never thrown out  used by  government at all levels  today.

 

 

 

Joke Of The Month :

 

Matt Lauer Humiliates Himself Even Further By Publicly Suing NBC For The Money Owed On His Contract + Severance — although he knew , they knew and everybody else knew that the reason he was fired rather than allowed to quietly retire was so they would not have to pay him another cent

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