Las Vegas Sniper Murders…Harvey Weinstein Accused …Kevin Spacey Exposed …Louis CK Outed…Gov. Cuomo/Mayor De Blasio Revealed To Be Bigger A-Holes Than Previously Thought Possible …Yankees Make It To 7th Game In Playoffs , lose
October 2017 Best Of The Web Jokes
Apparently someone missed the memo that your mailbox is how far away from the house you can wear a robe before you start looking like a mental patient :
A U.S. Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville , NC .
He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning, cop hating, Obama loving protester.”
The priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins,
not to discuss your community service.”
For some reason feminist jokes were prolific
If women ruled the world, there would be no wars – just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
How is a car like a hysterectomy? A woman can’t reverse either of them.
How do women get minks? The same way minks get minks.
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Why don’t women need driver’s licenses? There are no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom.
Why did God create Eve? To iron Adam’s leaf.
What do you do if your boiler explodes? Buy her flowers.
Random Viral Jokes
I’m at an age where “getting lucky” only means I have the house to myself.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye? Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town. Me: I did too.
I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.
Built a TV news desk in the living room. Area wife very upset.
Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: “Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?”
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shaking my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I can still remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Democrats have a new plan to unite the US No longer will they try to divide the American people by race, by sexual orientation, by chosen gender, by religion, by ethnicity.
Democrats will now try to unite the country by dividing Americans by economic status.
I went to see one of those motivational speakers last night. Well, OK, I almost did.
I went to a wedding and whispered to a guy next to me, “Good God! Isn’t the bride one ugly woman ” “Do you mind. That’s my daughter you’re talking about” “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were her father”… “I’m not . . . I’m her fuckin’ mother.”
“Do you have any batteries?” a woman asks the clerk at the hardware store..”Yes, m’am.” The clerk gestures with his finger. “Just come this way.”
“If I could come that way,” the woman says, “I wouldn’t need the batteries.”