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October 2018 Jokes

GUARANTEED FUNNIEST JOKES ON THE WEB --Marvin The Joke Bot

Advice To Boys: If The Kids Are  Choosing Up For White Male Supremacists vs.  Indians –Pick Oppressed Chinese  Railway Worker

 

What’s the difference between ET and a Muslim refugee? ET learned English and wanted to go home.

 

One in three Scottish girls is obese. As are the other two.

 

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

 

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really… We just tell them they’re going to die…”

 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

 

The wife and I broke up yesterday I don’t know what went wrong between me and Fat Ass.

 

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

 

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

I just hate when I’m sending a text and then so rudely interrupted by a stupid jogger, bouncing off my windshield.

 

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? Fucks funny.

 

Cosmic Joke Of The Decade 

Banksy is a graffiti artist. His  “Girl With Balloon” was originally spray painted on the side of a London building–an act of vandalism against the law and not protected by copyright. The framed version went up at auction at Sotheby’s and sold for $ 1 million. As soon as the gavel came down a shredder in the frame –operated by a remote control device –began cutting up the piece. The half shredded work of art  is  now worth, according to Sotheby’s latest tabulation, at least $ 6 million  

 

If The Conversation Threatens To Turn  Adult, Try These Questions:

 

Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?

Why are nickels bigger than dimes?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why the hell does Hawaii have an Interstate Highway?

 

 

D.C. TRAVEL ADVISORY: GO ONLY IF PURCHASING A PUBLIC OFFICIAL (see below) 


 

 

Der Fuehrer Kritiques The  The Kavanaugh Kerfuffle

 

 

FACT: Ted Kennedy came up with the 5-minute rule for questioning a judicial candidate because that’s the average time for a “quickie.”

 

 

The Face That Launched A Thousand Probes 

 

 

Recalling  Johnnie Cochran’s Bill Clinton Defense In The Age Kavanagh #METOO

* If the dress ain’t a mess, he won’t need to confess!

* The economy’s great, let the white boy skate!

* If the bitch didn’t spit, you must acquit!

* If she is not spread eagle, then it’s not illegal!

* So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses!

* He cheats on his wife, but it’s his personal life!

* Bill won’t tell the truth until he sees Ken Starr’s proof!

* Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky’s just easy!

* If the sex is just oral, it’s not really immoral!

 

PUBLIC SERVICE If You Recently Purchased A  Government Official Take A Moment To Rate Yours

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official[tm]. With regular maintenance, your Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation, and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
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__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
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2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]? Please check all that apply.

__ TV ad.
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__ Shared jail cell with.
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__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
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__ Spoke at a fundraiser at my temple.
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3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]? (Please check all that apply.)

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions.
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress.
__ Forestall military action against self/allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest.
__ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse.
__ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups.
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4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.)

__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Reputation.
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__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
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__ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government.
__ Blackmail.
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5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official[tm]? ______

If you answered “yes,” please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond the capacity of the current model.
__ Defect in the current model:
__ Dead.
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__ Indicted.
__ Convicted.
__ Resigned in disgrace.
__ Switched parties/beliefs.
__ Outbribed by competing for interest.

Thank you for your valuable time.

Always remember: in choosing a US Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money can buy!

 

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

 

Bee Stings

What’s worse than a bee sting

A. 2 bee stings.

Q. What’s worse than 2 bee stings

A. The Holocaust.

Q. What’s worse than the Holocaust?

A. 3 bee stings!

 

Understanding Engineers – Take Four

“Normal people … believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough
features yet.”

Understanding Engineers – Take Five

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the
engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you
I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

 

 

Rodney: My wife came into the bedroom wearing nothing but a pair of red fishnet stockings, She looked like two bags of onions. She has the body of a 20-year-old….Volvo

 

 

Liberal Red Riding Hood

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “mother”, although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house.
“But mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?”
Red Riding Hood’s mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
“But mother, aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?”
Red Riding Hood’s mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.
“But mother, then shouldn’t you have my brother carry the basket, since he’s an oppressor, and should learn what it’s like to be oppressed?”
And Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights of community.
“But won’t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she’s sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?”
But Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her grandmother wasn’t actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called “health”.
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were, in fact, intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to “come out” of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity.”
The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”
Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.”
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother’s house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.”
The Wolf said softly “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.”
Red Riding Hood said, “Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!”
“You forget that I am optically challenged.”
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. “You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!”
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
“Hands off!” cried the woodchopper.
“And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self-esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams.”
“Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!” screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
“Thank goodness you got here in time,” said the Wolf. “The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.”
“No, I think I’m the real victim, here,” said the woodchopper. “I’ve been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I’m going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?”
“Sure,” said the Wolf.
“Thanks.”
“I feel your pain,” said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said, “Do you have any Maalox?”

 

 

 

 

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