The Butt Dial

"Because The Only Thing Funnier Than Fart Jokes Are Duck Fart Jokes" Friedrich Nietzsche


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Thank You For Subscribing ! Enjoy Your Free Victim Cards

Anyone familiar with our remarkable  history knows we did not become the richest and most influential think tanks in the world—most likely in the galaxy, come to think of it —by not appealing to all races , creeds, nationalities, inferior life forms and the ever increasing number of genders.  

        However, when we perceive a great cultural wrong  –like when Gene Pitney  was inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame , to name just one glaring  example —we fight  to correct it.  And when we can come to the aid of our largest demographic –whom  statisticians tell us are privileged white males with poetic world views and superior intellects—then Mazel Tov !  

        Therefore we are pleased to offer these handsome wallet sized  Victim Cards to our subscribers for free. All Our Subscribers . Even if you are lucky enough to be able to claim victimhood because your ancestors were slaves up until 155 years ago or your gender didn’t get to vote until 100 years ago  or your grandparents were forced to live on fried spiders when working for the  CIA backed United Fruit in your native jungle  – please give a set of these cards to your  favorite Privileged White Man. He will genuinely be tickled reddish.  

Dear Privileged White Man—BRO!

        One of the grim realities of the 21st Century is that you can be shot, maimed, castrated , bulldozed , pushed from a great height , atomic wedgied or called wop, mick, kike , honky , hunky, limey, kraut, polack or peckerwood and it will never be  considered a  Hate Crime. And yet simply mention to the cops that the lawn boy  they call Los Testiculos –who has raped your wife’s Corgi  ,  hightailed it with the family’s heirloom   Hummel  Collection plus your  Miracle Whip stockpile  —  seemed to you  to be  a bit on the  swarthy side and the wake  of his  aftershave emitted distinct notes of industrial grade guacamole dip and all bets are off. You’re suddenly a profiling racist sicko. If you can give us a big amen to that  but don’t believe you can do anything about it –read on :

        At our annual Poconos Pure Reason Festival this summer we invited experts  from as far away as Dayton, Ohio  to tackle this very issue. The discussion was lively, often heated and hugely scintillating, of course. But it wasn’t until the wee hours –after we confiscated  the bus tickets and locked up the liquor– that the great minds got down to business  and came up with the idea of Victim Cards.

        Of course, you can scroll down the page and print the cards out but we feel to thoroughly appreciate  their value  one should  read the profound thinking behind each :

Sex Victim Card

We start with the toughest one. Obviously if  accusations of “sexual misconduct”  have reached the stage where the rage machine is trolling you on social media , your photo is in the paper or you’re being duck walked out of a court house with a raincoat over your head , playing a victim card is useless, possibly suicidal. But if the situation is still in the one on one  formative stage and your so-called crimes are more embarrassing than prosecutable , we believe the best way to come across as a victim is to completely confuse the issue. After much debate our panel of experts came up with this : 


This is to certify that the bearer  suffered  extreme sexual  trauma when Senator Charles Schumer of New York showed up his neighborhood block party wearing bicycle pants  and winked at him. Be Advised the bearer is being seen by a battery of psychiatrists,  attending group sessions and taking medications to combat the symptoms of this all too  common disability . Unfortunately , the bearer may be subject to fits of downloading porn, inappropriate language /gestures,  stalking etc. This is not his fault. He is the victim . Be patient and forgiving. And please donate whatever you can to Defeat Schumer Syndrome NOW! 

Mount Sinai Psychiatric : When In Doubt -Don't

Race Victim Card

Wish you had a dollar for every time this happens ? You’re out getting wasted , things get a bit hazy  and mere moments later, it seems,  you find yourself having a last few  “wife beaters” to take the edge off an ill considered  eight ball   before facing  the old lady. It’s then you also happen to  notice you’re taking hits off  a crack pipe at a Crips after hours bar in Harlem,  demonstrating   your hip-hop moves  and shouting things like “I Be Down With The En-Words” or  “Long Live Biggie Smalls!”. Inevitably the music dies and the lights come up and you discover you are the only “Cracker” within 20 blocks  and surrounded by what looks like the front line of the Miami Dolphins—the angry ones with the pigs dressed as cops knee socks , who kneel. Muy  Awkwardo  

          In this situation we recommend whipping out this card :

Proud Native American

Ancestry DNA and E-Harmony Ethnic Survey  state unequivocally I am 80% Apache with traces of Sioux Harming me or simply hurting my feelings  is considered GENOCIDE (Lite) in most jurisdictions and is a HATE CRIME punishable by fines and imprisonment or both. If I appear intoxicated and you’d care to testify about a person or persons serving me fire water contact the NAADL BE ADVISED  the tribal lawyer is angry, ugly and  shrill. She  wears warpaint,  buffalo hides and looks like  Ruth Bader Ginsberg in the morning. After an all-nighter . Your move. 

Native American Anti-Defamation League

If you have any qualms about posing as a Native American , think about this : Senator  Elizabeth Warren, who  looks whiter than Tweety Bird’s Grandma  landed a $335,000 a year teaching job at Harvard Law because they needed a minority. All you’re trying to do is getting out of a tight spot  , or far worse.

         Unfortunately, as seemingly all purpose  as the Native American card is , it obviously won’t work in every  tight spot a “privileged”  white man  can find himself in this oversensitive, politically correct era when dropping the Cee Word at a Code Pink Rally, saying something catty in the turret of a Pride Parade float, or just opining an impolitic view at a Mongolian Grudge Fuck can result in one looking up at his balls dangling  over a phone line next to the homecoming  sneakers .  Here’s what our  experts came up with 


Perhaps I Misspoke Victim Card

As  the following  extreme and very ugly example illustrates,  what can one do if a simple slip of the tongue  lands you in that  hopeless  position  chess players call a “zugzwang” –a situation in which every potential move –or  utterance—will worsen the situation.

           For argument’s sake,  say you’re at a very boring Seder with a bunch of Upper West Side  Jews who are your run of the mill pantywaist commies and you’re understandably  three or four carafes of Manischewitz over the line. To get the conversational ball rolling you  make a joke along the lines of  , “I don’t often find myself agreeing with Farrakhan or Assad , but you gotta admit what they say about the Holocaust hoax makes a lot of sense.” Lead balloon . They don’t catch  the eye roll or dry irony. Worse still, the Billy Crystal look alike relatives you tagged as refugees from  Flatbush  turn out to be members of the Mossad –the hit squad division. Awkwardness Plus

          Here is where this simple and elegant card can be a lifesaver;

Help ! I Have Asperger’s Syndrome

The Psychiatric Staff At Mt. Sinai Hospital NYC have determined the bearer of this card has Asperger’s Syndrome BIG TIME  and is incapable of controlling or understanding anything that comes out of his face.  BE ADVISED physically harming or verbally abusing this individual is a HATE CRIME  punishable by fines, imprisonment and mandatory participation in  no less than 10 (Ten) 5k Asperger Awareness Fun Runs.

Mt. Sinai Psychiatric -We Put The Fun Back In Crazy 

The only drawback to this card is that it requires a degree of literacy on the part of the offended attacker to have impact . But what if a privileged white man  gets in the cross hairs of a gang of mall rats after  they overhear him fat shaming one of their bimbos ?  Plus  the mall is  in a zip code where CNN and BRAVO score high in the Nielsen’s. It’s a judgment call but road tested anecdotal evidence suggests  playing the Asperger  card might actually add to one’s woes. One of our members found this out the hard way and still bears the scars after the scum chiseled ASS BURGER in his forehead with a corkscrew lifted from Crate And Barrel. Here’s what our experts  recommend in this situation :  

Victim Card For Morons

In playing this card  one must keep in mind you’re  dealing with idiots who move their lips watching Burger King commercials  , so  it’s important to read it to them. Our experts recommend  a high pitched autistic monotone pitch while wearing a panicked bug eyed  expression (reference  : Congressman Adam Schiff). Also keep in mind despite their appalling outfits and blank expressions they have all been immersed in cute dog  and  heroic imbecile videos since birth :

Protected By The Police - SAVED A RESCUE DOG ! .

The bearer of this card was hit in the head rescuing Buddy The Police Dog  and in the brains department is gigabytes short of   Ralph in the Simpsons or Patrick Star In SpongeBob Square Pants The cops consider him a hero. Shoving ,  hitting or threatening   him is  Bullying and a Hate Crime and the police will  “question” you so thoroughly you could easily  end up like the guy who  delivers pizzas in a wool cap in summer. Not Shitting !

Police Benevolent Assn. Animal Rescue League

Victim Card for Motorcycle Gangs

How many times have you found yourself the object of derision in an outlaw  biker bar ? Never , we hope. But the situation  is an excellent  metaphor for being confronted with what the Catholic Church calls Invincible Ignorance. Due to no fault of your own and for  no reason other than an  extremely  bad spin of Fortuna’s Wheel big angry men with prison tattoos and IQ’s  just above cement want to hurt you. It is here our experts  strongly suggest playing this card very dramatically  for reasons  explained  below

HELP --I Am A Ree-Tard

Please call  Bide-A-Wee Mental Home (1- 800 – Nut-Haus ) and they will pick me up for free. If the bearer of this card is in  an agitated state try suggesting with pantomime gestures that he play with himself or his  own excrement until we arrive. Also , he likes the Mr. Rodgers “It’s A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood,” song so kindly try singing a few choruses . Also ignore his pleas for “My Blanky” . The County deemed it a plague carrier ,  hazardous to  community health  and took it away.

Mt. Sinai Psychiatric -Bide -A-Wee Residential Wing 

It should come as no surprise that threatening prosecution for a Hate Crime does not  pose a threat to anyone in his mid-thirties who is wearing a “Satan’s Disciples” leather jacket and swastika earrings . The magic of playing this card , however, is that  according to the rules of  prison life ex-cops, child molesters and “ree-tard” killers are at the low end of the social spectrum–presumably because “ree-etard” is a respected and well represented part of the gene pool in the milieu . Plus, the fact the County has taken away your blanket suggests you have a rebel past . However , it should be obvious that you cannot flash this card and just stand there like your waiting for Bide-A-Wee to arrive. No one is going to call and no one is coming . If you need a further explanation of this , you may not  need the card. However,  when  flopping to the floor and screaming for “My Blanky”  until your tormentors grow bored, our experts–after spending  countless hours listening to idiot babble–recommend mimicking NY Governor  Andrew Cuomo’s accent and speech patterns (see You Tube) 

Due To Coding Difficulties The Card Template Is Temporarily Unavailable. Please Check Back To Print Out These Cards

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