The Early Years
The No Albanian Anal Whores Allowed Writers Club Is Founded
For more centuries than anyone cares to remember the title for the above painting was “Pope Martin V Dismisses Head Comedy Writer Prince Belphegor , May 5, 1418.” And while it’s true that a schism occurred between the Pope and the genius who became the founder of The No Girl’s Allowed Writers Club , everything else in the painting is little more than obscene papist propaganda.
For starters , Pope Martin born Otto Colonna was an ugly little greaser even by Italian standards : maybe 4’7” , well over 200 pounds , bald and with breath so staggering it is believed the expression “could knock a buzzard off a shit truck” was coined in his honor . To compensate he’d hired a pair of Parisian designers who came up with the get-up vaguely resembling the one seen in the painting . A long flowing robe so he could get away with wearing heels but equally urgent to cover his ever apparent but far from startling erection. On his head they came up with a three foot miter which the designers were able to convince him made him look taller. To complete the ensemble : a six foot shepherd’s staff to maintain balance when wearing stilettos and the piece de resistance a pair of kidskin leather , silk lined elbow length opera gloves to set off his gaudy “God Decoder” and “Pisces Rule” rings.
For the record , Prince Percival Belphegor , venerable ancestor of our current editor in chief , Chauncey Wilberforce “Bertie” Belphegor , was not naked on May 5, 1418 , nor was he ever green skinned , nor did he possess a second mouth on his ass to talk out of. His personal diary for that date shows this illustration (shown below) with the notation : “… for meeting with the moron dwarf I’ve had my man lay out that brilliantly tailored navy pinstripe number , a waistcoat that catches precisely the cobalt blue of my eyeliner and a pair of in your face hand lasted two tone brogues . Pearls before swine , of course , but one must demonstrate “duende” if there is any hope of dissuading grown men from flouncing around in public wearing outfits unacceptable in an Albanian Girls Anal Whore Academy ”
The meeting did not go well, of course. Despite Belphegor’s most fervent appeals to basic sartorial sense , Pope Martin V declared God wanted all his priests to wear version of his new get up and henceforth look like what comes after gay. The Pope summarily fired Belphegor and his staff and commanded they be banished to Terra Excrementum –a land somewhere below Ethiopia resembling Cleveland
Prince Percival Belphegor of course absolutely refused to go to anywhere and immediately formed The No Wannabe Albanian Anal Whores Allowed Writers Club , which was shortened to its present name later in the century because it was too long to put on invoices and business cards. He also declared that day that the club would have only one commandment : Do It With Duende
How has it worked out, so far ?
As we now know The No Girls Allowed Writers Club today has more than a million paid up members , is the chief source of news and fashion tips for millions more , is majority shareholder in a vast range of enterprises A to Z : AAA Bail Bonds to Zig Zag Paraphernalia. And is leading the fight to upgrade the wardrobe choices on the continents below the equator . The Club has recently been cited by the Trump Administration for its charitable work on behalf of a “whole shitload of worthy causes.”
On the other hand , the Vatican has been reduced to a square mile in downtown Rome and is run by a Commie loon from Argentina. About every two weeks there’s news of another sex scandal , usually accompanied by a picture of a guy in a Pope Martin V robe being frog marched out of some cathedral or parochial school. “Show up with a bag of uncut dope and a young boy and we’ll make you a Bishop” seems to be their only recruiting message . But hey—who are we to judge ?
The Middle Years
The Age Of Reason 1685-1815 aka “Before The Naggers Got The Vote”
A few weeks ago , a ranking official in the club (who wishes to remain anonymous) had just endured an enormously irritating annual physical examination at the hands of a pompous , self -important General Practitioner at Mt. Sinai Hospital NYC
Not only did this require standing around naked while the MD poked and prodded and made disparaging asides while referring to himself in the third person “Doctor Godsgift (not his real name) doesn’t like it when he sees an elderly patient (our official is 54) who looks like he’s expecting to birth a child quite soon.” As if this wasn’t enough , every few minutes his receptionist interrupted over the intercom, reading from an obvious script (unchanged since our official’s last visit), and spouting feeble nonsense like : “Harvard wants to know if they can use a line from your latest lecture on the plinth at the entrance to their new Advanced Medicine Library and your wife says to remind you Senator Schumer and Amy are coming at eight.”
Rather than stooping to the level of a man who is in reality no more than a glorified plumber , our official had , of course, come prepared and was only waiting for the moment to implement a ploy first described in the One-Upmanship Correspondence School* course in 1952. To wit : “When re-dressing merely roll your collar –stud under the doctor’s couch , grope for it , and appear to “find” a set of false teeth embedded in a large wad of bubble gum and for added effect a sticky medicine bottle half full of crème de menthe. It only remains to ask : “Are these yours ?” in the tone of voice one might employ when addressing an incontinent chihuahua , followed by a withering glance and a harrumphing guttural sound as one exits.
A small thing , perhaps, but not possible without the painstaking study and research compiled over 500 years of The No Girls Allowed Writers Club founding in May, 5 1418 when Prince Belphegor had finally had it with Pope Martin and the Year of the Great Woke May 5, 1918 described below. The result of which we call the Code Of Duende.
Understanding the Code of Duende and how to achieve it is, of course , a matter of signing up for and paying close attention to all our books, newsletters and this website and is obviously far too great a subject to adequately explain its many ramifications here. However , the great George Frazier –the author of The Art Of Dressing on this site –described what it feels like:
“It is not easy to explain what duende is, except to observe that when someone or something has it, we feel icy fingers running up and down our spine. Why does ‘Huckleberry Finn’ have so much duende, and ‘Tom Sawyer’ so little? Certainly it is not measured in terms of person’s surpassing skills, for if that were the case, then Bart Starr, say, would be all duende. Yet he isn’t — he is merely one of the greatest quarterbacks of all autumn assignments. “Duende is what Ted Williams had, even when he was striking out, yet Stan Musial lacked, even while hitting a home run. Nor does duende have anything at all to do with honor or integrity or valor, either, for Hitler had it — just as Mussolini did not, just as John Dillinger was all duende, while the Mafia, at least since Lucky Luciano, is not.
“Duende isn’t merely class, or for that matter, just style either . . . yet I cannot , offhand think of anyone who has duende who does not also have style. And to say that duende is merely charisma or panache or flair is rather to demean it, for while it is certainly all those things, it is the nth power of them.’’
Frederico Garcia Lorca’s brilliant essay Theory And Play of the Duende is required reading for inductees into the club and is available for download to subscribers of our E-Mail Newsletter
The Modern Era
Naggers Getting Vote Presages No Booze, Income Tax And Huge Boost In Membership
TO BE CONTINUED