“Hello, Losers! Call me the Ass Man and let’s pretend I AM AN ALCOHOLIC.”
As my devoted readers are aware the Ass Man believes AA meetings are a waste of time. If you are out trolling for budget pussy –or simply waiting out a ban from your local pub—Al-Anon should be your go-to spot. This is where the wives and girlfriends of sots and druggies go to revel in their victimhood– QED: it’s a veritable crease orchard. Like AA it’s easy to bum smokes and the fatties all bring in cakes and cookies to share, but the big difference is: if you do get lucky there is a 75% less chance of Al-Anon ladies throwing up on you or your bed.
Unfortunately, due to a pesky restraining order –the details of which are too baroque to describe –the nearest Al-Anon meeting available to the Ass Man was 75 miles away. It was a cold night, nothing on the tube, not in the mood for porn, broke, sober and out of smokes, so what the hell– why not give the AA meeting another shot?
Big mistake. This one was being held in a church basement and it was wall to wall guys with a large contingent that looked like they just stepped off the Jazzercise Pride Parade float and a couple of beasts the Ass Man wouldn’t fuck with Rachael Maddow’s dick.
Then it happened. The Ass Man was just about to bum a smoke, grab a coffee and book when this total loser gets up and starts blubbering that his big problem was that as soon as he got a little corn on board he “prematurely ejaculated.” Then, someone shouted from the peanut gallery “Premature ejaculation ain’t so bad if the cops are on their way.”
In other words, the age-old debate about the pros and cons of premature ejaculation was about to ensue. And that’s when the generous nature of the Ass Man manifested itself and he decided to settle the matter for the assembled losers once and for all—totally gratis!
“You gentleman don’t seem to appreciate how lucky you are to live in the good ol’ U.S. of A. If you found your ass down on the Amazon River you’d be singing a different tune. Down there they got these really thin fish they call Toothpick Fish You take a leak and this fish swims up your piss stream and into your dick. Once inside they have these barbs so there’s no way to pull them out. You got 2 choices: A) leave it in and die in 2 or 3 hours after throwing up or shitting out all your guts ; or B) cut your dick off — which, by the way , means you have to press a red hot poker to the spot where your dick used to be or bleed to death.
“The point is, if you morons ever get straight you might discover there’s lots of stuff worse than premature ejaculation. Or getting wasted, truth be told. ”
You could have heard a pin drop.