Reporter : I Give WAPO Five Suck My Dicks
Editor’s Note :
When we learned our still breaking story on Anti-Fart Pills and Global Warming was awarded by the Washington Post their highest “Reamed Jiminies” rating (5 out of 5)
we immediately went to the paper and were directed to their Pinocchio Department headed by an eccentrically bearded man named Glenn Kessler.
Sorely tempted to inquire about the crown of thorns and polyester beard, we elected instead to stick to business. After all, for 600 years we’ve never been rated by The Washington Post and thought perhaps since we recently upgraded to Amazon Prime this was part of the service.
Glenn –he insisted we call him Mr. Kessler, so we didn’t—began by describing in tedious detail how his Pinocchio System works, “Remember when Pinocchio lies to the Fox and Cat about not having any money? ” Practically peed our jammies, we said, checking the room for sharp objects. “That was a necessary lie and I’ve always thought we should have a Fox And Cat Non-Nose Growing Lie Rating, but Mr. Bezos said unless I came up with something catchier there’d be no way to monetize it. That’s why I introduced the “Reamed Jiminy ” rating with your story.
“Because it’s a good lie?”
“No, because it makes fun of all the brilliant research scientists have done to save the planet. It’s a very, very bad lie.It’s almost like Pinocchio’s nose grew to the size of this huge elongated eggplant and he forced it up the cricket’s rosy red one and sneezed.”
“Look –our research staff has thoroughly checked this. The United Nations does not have a Consensus of Scientists Panel. There is no record of a town called San Feo, Mexico and never a Gas-Ex Vs. Beano El Supremo Challenge anywhere on earth. In addition Hot Pocket does not have nor are they considering a Prune Surprise product and Mexican authorities say they are not familiar with Yo Bastardo Arriba Arriba .”
“What about Ted Nugent coming up with the “Let ‘Er Rip” tune and Trump have it blast out from drones until Mexico pays for a fart shield on top of the wall ?”
“That part is probably true,“ he said with a dramatic sigh.
Thinking we had him we pulled out the photo Lancelot LaPierre gave us when he submitted the story : his Pulitzer Prize award ceremony in Denmark.
Later we found out the reason we were escorted off the premises is the Pulitzer Prize is handed out in New York, not Denmark –which may not even be a real country.
When we brought in Lancelot LaPierre in to review his story one of the first things we mentioned was that he didn’t actually look much like the guy in the ceremony. He explained that because of the high humidity in Denmark he was having a bad hair day. Also , he’d had to subject himself to several high colonics before the ceremony to get the taste of Reindeer Balls (not meatballs, actual balls) and fermented fish paste out of his mouth. And while that explanation had a ring of plausibility it segued into a long tear filled diatribe too awkward to rehearse here but he did admit he may have “mixed up the champagne flutes when he was slipping a roofie to his date.”
So basically the jury is still out, but longtime club members know that nothing is more sacred to us than making sure every syllable, vowel, consonant, dot, and tittle printed in our newsletters are 110% to 150% true.