September-October 2017 Jokes, etc.

Irmageddon Hurricane Plows Into Florida… Fans realize Giants Worst Team In History After Game Two…Hurricane Maria Hits PR …Trump Calls Out NFL…McCain Kills Health Bill ..Hef Dead 

 September 2017 Best of The Web Jokes 

 

Jets Running Back Matt Forte :“We have a lot of talent. Enough to make plays and  score points.” After a lengthy closed door discussion, a worried Coach Todd Bowles and GM Mike MacCagnan  decided to sideline Forte to check for possible concussion .

 

Democrat Executive  Staffer, “OK, good job instructing our media friends reporting on Trump’s visit to Texas to use the words “lack of empathy”. I think every news outlet used them, several times. Now, we need a new word for Trump’s upcoming statements on Louisiana for this once in a lifetime storm and the coming once in a lifetime storm in the Atlantic. Any suggestions?”
staffer 1, “detached”
staffer 2, “aloof”
staffer 3, “nonchalant”
staffer 4, “dispassionate”
staffer 5, “unsympathetic”
exec staffer, “Great suggestions. Let’s write them down on slips of paper and put them in a hat. Whichever we pull out first will be the new word of the day.”

 

The difference between Guts and Balls*:

GUTS -Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
“Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS –Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:”You’re next, Chubby”

*Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

 

You Are An Extreme Redneck When…

1)You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2) The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3) You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws

4) You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5) You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6) Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, hold my beer and watch this.’

7) You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8) Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9) Your junior prom offered day care.

10) You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’

11) You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.

12) The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13) You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14) One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15) You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16) You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

17) You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

 

College Football Season Begins  :

THE CLASSIC QUOTES 

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb.  To be a back, you only have to be dumb.”    –  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

 

“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat. That costs money, and we don’t have any.” –  Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

 

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.” –    Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Notre Dame

 

“When you win, nothing hurts.”    –  Joe Namath / Alabama

 

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.”    –  Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

 

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation.  I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.”    –  Bob Devaney / Nebraska

 

“In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.”    –  Wally Butts / Georgia

 

“I never graduated from Iowa.  But I was only there for two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.”    –  Alex Karras / Iowa

 

“My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.”    –  Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

 

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.”    –  Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

 

“Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.”    –    Shug Jordan / Auburn

 

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me .”    He  said, “Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren’t any good.”    –  Walt  Garrison / Oklahoma State

 

“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.”    –    Bobby Bowden / Florida State

 

“Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport.  Dancing IS a contact  sport.” –    Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

 

“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”    –  Murray Warmath / Minnesota

 

“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.”    –  Darrell Royal / Texas

 

“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.”    –  John McKay / USC

 

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.”    –  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

 

Ohio State’s Urban Meyer on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear.  In fact, I just saw his  grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.” .

 

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?   Drool.

 

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None.  That’s a sophomore course.

 

Why did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?    The cow fell on him.

 

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods.  One of them  said, “Look, a dead bird. “The other looked up at the sky and said, “Where?”

 

What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit?  “Will the defendant please rise.”

 

If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving?  The police officer.

 

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?    A full set of teeth.

 

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

 

Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car?  He saw “911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

 

How do you get a former Ohio State football player off your porch?    Pay him for the pizza.”

 

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?    They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

 

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend?    There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

 

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?    So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

 

After  USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, “All those who need showers, take them.”    –    John McKay / USC

 

Joke Of The Month :

 

 

WEINER CAN’T GET OFF : 21 MONTHS IN SLAMMER

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