September 2018 Jokes
Deep Thought Of The Month: Always Be Particularly Nice To Anyone Who Has Access To Your Toothbrush.
I’m so ugly when I walk out of a pet store the alarm goes off. I asked my wife If I needed a shave and she said, “What are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants his ass back?”Rodney Dangerfield
Immigration Blues :
What’s small & yellow and says “Cheep cheep”? Chinese prostitute.
My Alzheimer’s is getting really bad. Now I can’t remember if I lost my dog or found a leash.
Sometimes life throws you a curve ball……..and you just don’t know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor…………………..
” I asked my wife what are the broken condoms were doing on the couch?!”
“Listen, Asshole – our children have names! ” she said
My father worked in a steel fabrication plant. They didn’t produce any steel..they just said they did.
Think your job sucks? Imagine being an advertising copywriter and have to come up with an e-mail campaign for Hormel
Two engineers meet each other on their way into work.
One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it.
“Well,” the first one says, “it’s the funniest story. I was in the park yesterday and a beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down her bike, ripped off her clothes, and said ‘Take what you want. ‘”
“Good choice,” said the other engineer, “the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
Why No One Likes Visiting Grandma :
Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night. The first guy says, “Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks.” The second guy says, “I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch.” The third guy says, “I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife.” The first guy exclaims, “You guys don’t understand! Chunks is my dog!”
UK “Politically Insensitive” Funnies :
The Police in London found a bomb outside a mosque…They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
During last night’s high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said: “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crime Watch is being shown 5 times a week now.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed…How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth-floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start ?”
I Was Never Dad’s Favorite
Memes For The Lazy
When I masturbate in front of a mirror, I always wear a wig and lipstick… So it doesn’t get weird.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
Relationships are like fat people… Most of them don’t work out.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is a salad.
Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 10 years in a row now…
Did you ever hear about that movie “Constipation”? It never came out.
I used to date a Finnish girl who had 36DDs. It was a ridiculously long name.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.
The most important thing to know in chemistry class: never lick the spoon.
“Press any key to quit” is a lot easier than writing all those resignation letters.
I don’t think I’ve ever been told I’m a bad listener.
The Coming Apocalypse: Experts say: In Just 20 Years Children Won’t Be Able To Find A Username That Isn’t Taken
Answers Given On NY GED Tests (Source NY TIMES– so obviously true)
Q.Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)
A. The body consists of 3 parts – the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Cesarean section’.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Weekly World News Headline Update
Aquarium Employee Emasculated After A Sexual Assault On Octopus
Vagina Yoga Instructor Arrested After Police Receive 200 Sexual Harassment Complaints
Thailand: German Tourist Emasculated After Putting His Penis Inside Giant “Flesh-Eating” Snail
British Man Suffering From A Rare Medical Condition Can Only Defecate Through His Mouth
Saudi Arabia: Female Driver Sentenced To 1,000 Lashes, Six Years In Jail For Texting While Driving
Babysitter Transported To Hospital After Inserting A Baby In Her Vagina
FBI Seizes Over 3,000 Penises During Raid At Morgue Employee’s Home
Morgue Employee Cremated By Mistake While Taking A Nap
Golfer /Caddy Jokes That Aren’t Terrible
Golfer: “Well Caddy, How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good, Sir! But personally, I prefer Golf.”
Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, Sir.”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course,”
Caddy: “Try heaven,” advised the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “This is the worst golf course I’ve ever played on!”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!”
Golfer: “Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: “Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!”
Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, Sir, it’s a compass!”
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy: “The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!”
Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old.”
Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he screamed.”
Caddy: “I doubt it,” replied the caddy. “That would be too much of a coincidence”
Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”
“McCain’s Little Girl Tearfully Reads A Speech He Wrote For Her” NY TIMES HEADLINE
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked someone in the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, and table, often carrying just a single item. So I suggested, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”
Another person asked, “Did it save time?”
The expert replied, “Actually, it did. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready…and now I do it in about ten.”
Scientists Theorize Why We Don’t see More UFOs
Grandfather’s Wisdom :
Hitler Would’ve Ruled The World If only he told his people they were fighting for equality
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. Grandma walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.”The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally, I pondered an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some heavier deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”But you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”I rest my case. Time for another beer…..then maybe a nap!
What’s the difference between green & red? Apparently, nothing if you’re a cyclist!
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician go deer hunting. The biologist shoots and missed a deer 5 feet to the right, the chemist shoots and misses the same deer 5 feet to the left, the statistician yells. “WE GOT HIM.”
My Doctor Told Me to eat more fiber. I ate so much fiber yesterday that I crapped a doormat this morning.
George W. Bush “You can fool some of the people all of the time and those are the ones you want to concentrate on”
Alcohol: a push-up bra for your personality…
I considered being a stay-at-home Dad until I realized the kids would be there.
What this house needs is a box of shit. Let’s get a cat.
The Great Nike Debate Continues