Eight hundred years ago Frank formed a “We Hate Daddy Club” after his rich old man told him to get a job. Today we expect drama when anyone under 25 is triggered by the threat. In those less progressive times –The Dark Ages– tantrums were thought proof of demonic possession and cured by drowning the afflicted or burning off his dick. But Frank had an odd charisma, the gift of gab and the club succeeded: sponsors signed on, uniforms were issued, and eventually, even the Pope (as we shall see) signed on. Thirty-nine cities are named for Frank in 2020, including “We Shit In The Streets To Show How Much We Hate Daddy “ San Francisco USA aka home of the grand poobahs of Make America Shit Francisco
WAS FRANK THE FIRST MILLENNIAL?
At 18 Frank ripped off his old man to buy drugs and was later discovered: wasted in S&M gear and humping the family goat, a young boy, and the old man’s mistress. The old man had a nuclear meltdown, divorced Frank’s mother for indulging his alcoholic gayness, then ordered him to shave his beard, lose the eyeliner, sober up and sell his shmatas in the bazaar. A week later Frank got busted for selling weed to a cop; the old man got a judge to order him into the army, he got captured 5 minutes into the first battle and spent the next year as butt boy for an ape called Bernardo El Spaniardo
After variations on this theme re-occurred multiple times with slight variations (El Spaniardo was pardoned in 1203 and replaced by a bull orangutan named “It” ), Frank returned to Assisi in 1205: age 22, bitter, butt sore, and angrier than a 2020 Basement Boy with 3rd-degree masturbation burns, a BA in Gender Studies and 150 grand in student debt.
HOW FRANK BECAME A MARXIST
Frank gathered all his boys together at their local–The Goose & Gherkin–and laid out plans for the “We Hate Daddy Club” and ended with this stunning announcement:
“I am going to marry the one bitch my old man feared and hated most “Lady Poverty.’”
Even today, try putting this header on your Zoosk or Elite Singles app and e-mail from porn sites will taper off. In Frank’s day when 90% died from starvation /plague before age 10, this declaration would seem a bit less than inspirational. And yet, Frank’s idea, as he was to develop it, was to have the club members embarrass their daddies by dancing raggedy-ass and barefoot for pennies in the bazaar.
Psychologists today, of course, recognize this form of rebellion as a natural phase of adolescence which often lasts through the child’s first marriage into his early fifties. Although evidence exists individuals had been able to maintain an emotional age of 18 well into senility long before Frank, he is considered the first to form a club advocating permanent immaturity
Against all expectations, the street performances caught on. Frank added troubadours, animal acts, honed his one-liners—crowds grew, groupies grouped, bucks rolled in. A wealthy widow named Clare donated her fortune and formed the Eat Me Daddy ladies auxiliary. (Note: she was declared Patron Saint of Television in 1958, her Poor Sisters Of Clare still dot the globe, MAFF awards are called “Clares”)
BIGGER THAN JESUS CELEBRITY
The first to acknowledge Frank as a genius was …Frank. Anybody familiar with a nobody who suddenly becomes a somebody will recognize the syndrome
“I am literally bigger than Jesus! Seriously, think about it.”
The equivalent today would be a morbidly obese underwear model declaring she had a more important ass than Kim Kardashian after 40 Instagram likes, but timing as always is everything. And Frank’s timing could not have been more exquisite.
The Catholic Church had inherited all the lands of the Roman Empire, without the army. Instead, every European feared grotesque torture (with good reason) and eternal damnation for defying it. However, the word was spreading among the far-flung laity tired of paying its tithes and levies that corruption in Rome had reverted to the bad old days of Caligula. And worse, the Church was nearly broke.
Pope Innocent III objected: ”Corrupt? We’re fucking bankrupt! Allah’s sand jigs have taken over Jerusalem and crusades cost a shit load, the fucking wine store Hebes are threatening to cut us off and even the fucking hookers are unionizing.”
With the help of his now divorced mom –a French model who the College Of Cardinals voted Ms. Party Girl of 1207 AD –Frank got an interview with the Pope.
Innocent III—“Why aren’t you at least wearing a tie? I know we all got casual during the Black Death lockdowns –but a horse blanket tied with a rope? “
Frank – “ I am into Poverty. And Sacrifice. ”
Innocent III—“ I got spider webs across my asshole—welcome to the club“
Frank—“Tut. Tut. You remember when Buddha came across starving tigers and offered his body so they could live? ”
Innocent III liked the Little Black Sambo turning tigers into pancakes story better but decided Frank wasn’t into humor —“And you’re making a buck with stuff like that ?”
Frank—“You think a fat pope in a big hat sells? People like hard-luck stories, melodrama, kittens—victimhood! … “
Frank brought in Murray his accountant and had him open the books.
Innocent III—“Just one tiny quibble. I am the Pope. That means Holy Father –actually Big Daddy. I can’t see how the Church can get behind guys in sandals and horse blankets calling themselves the We Hate Daddy club. How about we call your group The Franks and we split 50-50 on the take?
Murray the Accountant: “Can we deduct Salaries, Commissions, Travel & Entertainment?”
Innocent III– “Done.”
And that kiddies are the reasons we see reproductions of the saint that made it all possible in the offices of The Clinton Global Initiative, The Biden Cancer Initiative, Sharpton’s National Action Network & KARS4 KIDS