The World’s Funniest Joke – Read It At Your Own Peril

 

The joke we are about to reveal to you is 236 years old It has killed people. Literally. If you suffer from Chrysippus Syndrome –or even suspect you do –we urge you not to read the joke below:

 

WARNING: DO NOT SKIP FORWARD TO THE JOKE BEFORE YOU READ THIS

 

Chrysippus Syndrome is not funny. Understanding the history and symptoms of this rare but deadly killer is urgent. You may have wasted your youth in comedy clubs,  watch nothing but the Comedy Channel and be known as The Funny Guy ( see Funny Guy On Jokes Page ) in your set and not realize you have it. We sincerely urge you to study this history before reading the  World’s Funniest Joke

 

Chrysippus of Soli (279-206 BC). died from laughter at the age of 73 years old. He was a top Stoic Philosopher of his time, a prolific writer, a genius mathematician who is credited with discovering the Number One. Not kidding. Before him counting started at Two. And as we shall see,  this is  important :

 

The point is: Chrysippus was a very serious guy.  In fact, on the day he expired, he was perhaps more serious than he had ever been in his life.  The Athens Senate was about to elect  a pervert  to the highest court who got off wrapping himself tightly in seaweed and lambskin and running around the agora shouting “Watch It” (this was way before Spandex, bicycles and bike lanes obviously See Mike Bloomberg Spandex Cult ) To protest  Chrysippus  fed figs and undiluted wine to an elderly goat  to stink up the place . Unfortunately, when they got to the middle of the Senate floor the goat keeled over and died. Then it happened:

 

Chrysippus was so frustrated he took his walking staff and began beating the dead goat broadside on its bloated belly. Now, remember, we are talking about a time before they had even discovered the Number One. Likewise in this primitive age, no one had ever conceived, much less heard of,  a Whoopee Cushion. Can you imagine living at a time before the invention of this essential staple of humor and then hearing it for the very first time in history?  Long and short: the ripping megatomic fart sound hit Chrysippus’s funny button like a ton of bricks and mere hours later, unable to stop laughing, he died with tears running down his face. A  face,  no doubt, writhed in agony even as he belted out his last few chuckles.

 

1936: 2142 Years After Chrysippus Jokesters Were Still Finding New Uses For Whoopie Cushions 

 

These days, of course, most hospitals are prepared to deal with patients crippled with uncontrollable laughter. Nevertheless, before reading the WFJ we strongly recommend getting to know your local emergency ward staff—buy them coffee etc.   This is especially important in neighborhoods with a high proportion of undocumented immigrants who could easily misinterpret your laughter in the waiting room as a form of derision and run you through with a spear or shoot a poison dart into your ass before you get to see a medical professional. If this sounds overly precautious, read on :

 

A Short History Of The World’s Funniest Joke

 

The first modern account of the WFJ killing a victim due to Chrysippus Syndrome was in London in 1782. It was told during the intermission by an actor named Bannister who was dressed in drag as the character Polly in the Beggar’s Opera. Gentleman’s Magazine reported that the  audience laughed uproariously for twenty minutes but “was able to briefly  compose itself and  allowed the  performance to continue for a brief period before the performers finally gave up.” Unfortunately, a Mrs. Fitzherbert  a visitor from  Weehawken, N.J. “… was unable to banish the joke from her memory, was thrown into hysterics which continued without ceasing until she expired on Friday morning.”

 

 

As a result, the WFJ  was banned from public performance in the US and Europe during all of the 19th Century and half of the 20th. There are undocumented reports that intelligence services employed the joke in the Boer War, the Spanish American War, and the First World War to effect escapes and as a torture device, but they remain unsubstantiated.

 

An extract from Senate testimony in 1946 reveals that “Wild Bill” Donovan of the OSS decided not employ the WFJ in leaflet drops because “…the Nips and Krauts don’t get the humor. Any humor ”

 

But there is confirmed evidence that in 1952 as many as 20,000 Chinese and North Korean troops were so convulsed  by laughter after leaflets imprinted with the WFJ were dropped on their lines   they were easily rounded up and many perished in captivity from dehydration due to “infectious and uncontrollable  giggling.” Also, three anonymous stars on the wall at  CIA headquarters are said to be tributes to the men who died laughing while loading the plane which dropped the leaflets.

 

In 1956, however,   the comedian Soupy Sales told the WFJ to a crowd of professional comedians at the Friars Club in New York. Sales was known chiefly for throwing cream pies at puppets and celebrities on TV and needed “a killer joke” to have any street cred with this critical audience. The joke went over extremely well and, better yet, there were no casualties. The club voted it Funniest Joke Of The Year that year and all subsequent years until Jonathan Winters told it at Robert F. Kennedy’s funeral at Arlington Cemetery after the senator’s assassination to “lighten the mood.” Despite the fact that only a few members of the  Marine Corps Honor  Guards had to be treated for “near terminal mirth” –a phrase coined by the pompous editor of the Washington Post Ben Bradley  –the WFJ fell into disrepute after the episode.

 

A Final Word Of Caution

 

There were important takeaways from these examples from the 1950’s and 60’s that researchers say added critical clues as to why some people immediately succumb to the joke while others are seemingly unaffected and may be completely immune to Chrysippus Syndrome. Therefore :

 

READ IMPORTANT NOTICE AFTER READING THIS JOKE. FAILURE TO DO  SO MAY RESULT IN AN AGONIZING, HUMILIATING END

 

The World’s Funniest Joke

A guy comes into a bar with a  chimpanzee and they both climb up on barstools

 

Bartender: “Hey  buddy FUCKIN’ MONKEYS AIN’T ALLOWED IN HERE !”

 

The guy calmly takes out a fat bankroll, peels off a twenty and gives it to the bartender: “ Listen, pal, the twenty is yours, just give me a double scotch. It’s a chimpanzee. They’re practically human. It won’t cause a problem, trust me.”

 

It’s slow, so the bartender gives him his drink. Then another. Meanwhile, the monkey is walking around looking at stuff but not causing trouble and the other customers seem amused, so cool …But then it happens.

 

Bartender: “ HEY FUCK FACE! THE FUCKIN’ MONKEY JUST CLIMBED ON THE FUCKIN’ POOL TABLE, PICKED UP THE FUCKIN’ CUE BALL MADE A KISS MY ASS GESTURE AT ME AND THEN FUCKIN’  ATE THE FUCKIN’ THING –HE FUCKIN’ SWALLOWED THE FUCKIN’ CUE BALL.”

 

Guy: “What’s a kiss my ass gesture ?”

 

Bartender: “HE FUCKIN’ WINKED AT ME AND POINTED AT HIS ASS …. LISTEN: GET THE FUCK OUT WITH THE FUCKIN’ MONKEY RIGHT NOW OR I’ll FUCKIN’ CALLIN’ THE FUCKIN’ COPS. !!!!!!!!”

 

A few weeks later, the guy walks into the bar with the monkey who is wearing a coat and tie and a derby.

 

Bartender: HEY PAL DIDN’T YOU READ THE SIGN OUTSIDE: “ NO FUCKIN’ MONKEYS EVEN IF ACCOMPANIED BY  PAYING DRUNKS”– BOTH OF YOUSE GET THE FUCK OUT ”

 

Guy takes out a huge bankroll and hands the bartender 5 twenties. “Listen, I really need a drink. I can’t stand the monkey either. I’m just babysitting it because of a bad bet.  I can absolutely guarantee the monkey won’t cause trouble. When he’s dressed up he always acts the perfect gentleman. Please”

 

The bartender stares at the twenties, then pockets the cash. “Okay, but I am warning you.”

 

A little while later the guy is staring deep into his third drink when the bartender screams.

 

“YOUR FUCKIN’ MONKEY JUST WALKED DOWN THE BAR AND TOOK A FUCKIN’ MARASCHINO CHERRY OFF THE COUNTER, PUT IT IN HIS ASS, THEN FUCKIN’ ATE IT!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT FUCKIN’ THING ??

 

Guy: “Yeah,  sorry about that. He  still eats everything he can get his hands on, but ever since he ate the cue ball he measures everything first.

 

IMPORTANT NOTICE

 

If you are currently convulsed but have taken the precaution of making friends with the Emergency Room crew where the ambulance will be taking you –be sure they do ! –you have a good chance of surviving. God Speed!

 

MUCH MORE SERIOUSLY  : If you only chortled slightly : all too often a victim may read the WFJ or perhaps just overhear it, shrug it off  and then  hours even days and weeks later without warning a snippet of the joke, the image of the monkey in a derby putting a maraschino cherry up its butt, can suddenly hit. And often, at times and places totally inappropriate for howling laughter: at a funeral, at a salary review at work etc. It hit one guy when he was listening to testimony against him of sexual misconduct  So be sure to carry a phone with you at all times with 911 cued for at least three weeks.

 

 If you did not laugh at this joke there are several extremely important reasons why.

 

Research Psycho-Biologists at Yale University have determined people most likely not to laugh at all are comedians –especially late night comedians– actors,   Democrats, Code Pink members, college professors or nuns who teach Algebra. Recall that when Soupy Sales told the WFJ at the Friars Club and no one died? That’s because professional comedians actually have IQ’s only just above sleep but have a survival gene which informs them what makes other people laugh. Same with all the others mentioned above except they don’t have the survival gene, Researchers are currently undecided as to a  term for the condition, so for the moment, they are torn between calling it: Proactive Stupidity or  Ocasio-Cortez Disorder

 

 

 

 

 

         

 

 

 

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October 2018 Jokes

Advice To Boys: If The Kids Are  Choosing Up For White Male Supremacists vs.  Indians –Pick Oppressed Chinese  Railway Worker

 

What’s the difference between ET and a Muslim refugee? ET learned English and wanted to go home.

 

One in three Scottish girls is obese. As are the other two.

 

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

 

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really… We just tell them they’re going to die…”

 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

 

The wife and I broke up yesterday I don’t know what went wrong between me and Fat Ass.

 

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

 

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

I just hate when I’m sending a text and then so rudely interrupted by a stupid jogger, bouncing off my windshield.

 

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? Fucks funny.

 

Cosmic Joke Of The Decade 

Banksy is a graffiti artist. His  “Girl With Balloon” was originally spray painted on the side of a London building–an act of vandalism against the law and not protected by copyright. The framed version went up at auction at Sotheby’s and sold for $ 1 million. As soon as the gavel came down a shredder in the frame –operated by a remote control device –began cutting up the piece. The half shredded work of art  is  now worth, according to Sotheby’s latest tabulation, at least $ 6 million  

 

If The Conversation Threatens To Turn  Adult, Try These Questions:

 

Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?

Why are nickels bigger than dimes?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why the hell does Hawaii have an Interstate Highway?

 

 

D.C. TRAVEL ADVISORY: GO ONLY IF PURCHASING A PUBLIC OFFICIAL (see below) 


 

 

Der Fuehrer Kritiques The  The Kavanaugh Kerfuffle

 

 

FACT: Ted Kennedy came up with the 5-minute rule for questioning a judicial candidate because that’s the average time for a “quickie.”

 

 

The Face That Launched A Thousand Probes 

 

 

Recalling  Johnnie Cochran’s Bill Clinton Defense In The Age Kavanagh #METOO

* If the dress ain’t a mess, he won’t need to confess!

* The economy’s great, let the white boy skate!

* If the bitch didn’t spit, you must acquit!

* If she is not spread eagle, then it’s not illegal!

* So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses!

* He cheats on his wife, but it’s his personal life!

* Bill won’t tell the truth until he sees Ken Starr’s proof!

* Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky’s just easy!

* If the sex is just oral, it’s not really immoral!

 

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This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

 

Bee Stings

What’s worse than a bee sting

A. 2 bee stings.

Q. What’s worse than 2 bee stings

A. The Holocaust.

Q. What’s worse than the Holocaust?

A. 3 bee stings!

 

Understanding Engineers – Take Four

“Normal people … believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough
features yet.”

Understanding Engineers – Take Five

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the
engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you
I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

 

 

Rodney: My wife came into the bedroom wearing nothing but a pair of red fishnet stockings, She looked like two bags of onions. She has the body of a 20-year-old….Volvo

 

 

Liberal Red Riding Hood

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “mother”, although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house.
“But mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?”
Red Riding Hood’s mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
“But mother, aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?”
Red Riding Hood’s mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.
“But mother, then shouldn’t you have my brother carry the basket, since he’s an oppressor, and should learn what it’s like to be oppressed?”
And Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights of community.
“But won’t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she’s sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?”
But Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her grandmother wasn’t actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called “health”.
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were, in fact, intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to “come out” of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity.”
The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”
Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.”
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother’s house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.”
The Wolf said softly “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.”
Red Riding Hood said, “Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!”
“You forget that I am optically challenged.”
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. “You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!”
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
“Hands off!” cried the woodchopper.
“And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self-esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams.”
“Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!” screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
“Thank goodness you got here in time,” said the Wolf. “The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.”
“No, I think I’m the real victim, here,” said the woodchopper. “I’ve been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I’m going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?”
“Sure,” said the Wolf.
“Thanks.”
“I feel your pain,” said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said, “Do you have any Maalox?”

 

 

 

 

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Bloomberg Spandex Cult Plans To Bury U.S. Under Bike Lanes

Ex-New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s hints to the media that he may run for U.S. president in 2020 is likely a  signal to Spandex Cults across the country to begin “Operation Criss Cross,”  insiders say. The plan calls for nationwide protests to demand a network of hundreds of thousands of miles of bicycle lanes to cross every motorized roadway and in some cases go right through public buildings and private households. The cults plan to recruit school children to join in the protests. And while there are no exact numbers on how many men who dress up in tight-fitting spandex are pedophiles, it’s obviously high.

 

As most will recall,  a stunning report issued this past summer concluded that the only possible explanation for constructing  500 miles of New York City bike lanes was ex-Mayor Bloomberg’s all-consuming obsession with Spandex. Commissioned by irate straphanger groups, a team of forensic psychiatrists and vice squad detectives charge that members of a Bloomberg financed Spandex sex cult infiltrated bicycle clubs, bribed city planners and sponsored thousands of immigrants from countries where the perversion is widespread — France and a region of Albania called Polska.

 

Polska Literally Means “Pole Exhibition” In Albanian  

 

The report goes on to detail the dark history of the NYC bike lanes. In 2007, Bloomberg appointed a San Francisco City Planner-–read: a certified loon—named Janette Sadik-Khan (supposedly no relation to the commie nut job currently Mayor of London) in a ceremony shown here :

 

Janette Sadik-Khan (Shown On Left) 

 

Ms Sadik-Khan’s responsibility was to maintain the buses, subways, trains, ferries, roads, bridges, and tunnels that an estimated 10 million plus commuters rely upon to get back and forth to work each day. Instead, she decided to ignore all that and spent most of the transportation budget on constructing 500 miles of bicycle lanes to accommodate 20,000 riders– at that time,  mostly illegal immigrants delivering food and illicit drugs.

 

Investigators say that from  2007 to 2013, Bloomberg and Sadik-Khan were constant companions and often seen emerging from various Lower East Side locations in early dawn hours. At each of these locations the trash areas were soon piled high with empty tubs of Crisco, used amyl nitrate ampules, shredded Spandex, spent batteries, false derriere padding, and ball gags with the paint sucked off.

 

“In a more enlightened era,” said one sickened psychiatrist, “these deviates would be lashed in the public square.  But we don’t live in that era –do we? Instead, they were honored by the City Council.” The psychiatrist then slid this photo across the desk :

 

 

 

When it was pointed out the photo is actually the New York City Council honoring Ethel Rosenberg on her 100th birthday, which she didn’t actually attend  because she was electrocuted  for selling H-Bomb secrets to Stalin in 1953, the psychiatrist  grew serious :

 

“Julius and Ethel Rosenberg –the H-Bomb,  John Kerry and the Mullahs—the  Iran Deal, Bloomberg and Sadik-Khan—NYC Bike Lanes  None of it makes sense until one realizes they were all heavily into Spandex. The FBI continues to suppress photos of Julius and Ethel promenading and cavorting in rubberized Betty Boop outfits with a similarly attired Adlai Stevenson. The agency maintains they do so because ‘it might damage the national psyche.’ Well, that’s not going to wash much longer  People stuck in traffic morning after morning were already beginning to put two and two together. With this bombshell report, it is going to get much uglier very soon .”

“Avenue C  at Midnight –BYO Crisco”

 

 

 

 

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September 2018 Jokes

Deep Thought Of The Month: Always Be Particularly Nice To Anyone Who Has Access To Your Toothbrush.

 

 

 

I’m so ugly when I walk out of a pet store the alarm goes off. I asked my wife If I needed a shave and she said, “What are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants his ass back?”Rodney Dangerfield

 

Immigration Blues : 

 

 

What’s small & yellow and says “Cheep cheep”? Chinese prostitute.

 

 

My Alzheimer’s is getting really bad. Now I can’t remember if I lost my dog or found a leash.

 

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball……..and you just don’t know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor…………………..

 

” I asked my wife what are the broken condoms were doing on the couch?!”
“Listen,  Asshole – our children have names! ” she said

 

My father worked in a steel fabrication plant. They didn’t produce any steel..they just said they did.

 

 

 

 

Think your job sucks? Imagine being an advertising copywriter  and have to come up with an e-mail campaign for Hormel

 

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work.

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it.
“Well,” the first one says, “it’s the funniest story. I was in the park yesterday and a beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down her bike, ripped off her clothes, and said ‘Take what you want. ‘”
“Good choice,” said the other engineer, “the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

Why No One Likes Visiting Grandma :

 

 

 

Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night. The first guy says, “Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks.” The second guy says, “I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch.” The third guy says, “I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife.” The first guy exclaims, “You guys don’t understand! Chunks is my dog!”

UK “Politically Insensitive” Funnies :

The Police in London found a bomb outside a mosque…They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.

During last night’s high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said: “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crime Watch is being shown 5 times a week now.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed…How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth-floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start ?”

 

 

I Was Never Dad’s Favorite 

Memes For The Lazy

When I masturbate in front of a mirror, I always wear a wig and lipstick… So it doesn’t get weird.

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

Relationships are like fat people… Most of them don’t work out.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is a salad.

Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 10 years in a row now…

Did you ever hear about that movie “Constipation”? It never came out.

I used to date a Finnish girl who had 36DDs. It was a ridiculously long name.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.

The most important thing to know in chemistry class: never lick the spoon.

“Press any key to quit” is a lot easier than writing all those resignation letters.

I don’t think I’ve ever been told I’m a bad listener.

The Coming Apocalypse: Experts say: In Just 20 Years Children Won’t Be Able To Find A Username That Isn’t Taken

 

Answers Given On NY GED Tests (Source NY TIMES– so obviously true)

 Q.Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)
A. The body consists of 3 parts – the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Cesarean section’.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Weekly World News Headline Update

 

Aquarium Employee Emasculated After A Sexual Assault On Octopus

Vagina Yoga Instructor Arrested After Police Receive 200 Sexual Harassment Complaints

Thailand: German Tourist Emasculated After Putting His Penis Inside Giant “Flesh-Eating” Snail

British Man Suffering From A Rare Medical Condition Can Only Defecate Through His Mouth

Saudi Arabia: Female Driver Sentenced To 1,000 Lashes, Six Years In Jail For Texting While Driving

Babysitter Transported To Hospital After Inserting A Baby In Her Vagina

FBI Seizes Over 3,000 Penises During Raid At Morgue Employee’s Home

Morgue Employee Cremated By Mistake While Taking A Nap

Golfer /Caddy Jokes That Aren’t Terrible

Golfer: “Well Caddy, How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good, Sir! But personally, I prefer Golf.”

Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, Sir.”

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course,”
Caddy: “Try heaven,” advised the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Golfer: “This is the worst golf course I’ve ever played on!”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!”

Golfer: “Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: “Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!”
Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, Sir, it’s a compass!”

Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy: “The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!”

Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old.”
Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he screamed.”
Caddy: “I doubt it,” replied the caddy. “That would be too much of a coincidence”

Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

 

 

“McCain’s Little Girl Tearfully Reads A Speech He Wrote For Her” NY TIMES HEADLINE

 

Little GIRL ??? Meghan McCain looks like she’s been eating cinder blocks! Barfly Comment  At Coogan’s Pub 

 

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked someone in the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, and table, often carrying just a single item. So I suggested, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”
Another person asked, “Did it save time?”
The expert replied, “Actually, it did. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready…and now I do it in about ten.”

 

 Scientists Theorize Why We Don’t see More UFOs

 

Grandfather’s Wisdom :

Hitler Would’ve Ruled The World If only he told his people they were fighting for equality

 

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. Grandma walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.”The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally, I pondered an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some heavier deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”But you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”I rest my case. Time for another beer…..then maybe a nap!

 

 

 

Random Truths 

What’s the difference between green & red? Apparently, nothing if you’re a cyclist!

A biologist, a chemist, and a  statistician go deer hunting. The biologist shoots and missed a deer 5 feet to the right, the chemist shoots and misses the same deer 5 feet to the left, the statistician yells. “WE GOT HIM.”

My Doctor Told Me to eat more fiber. I ate so much fiber yesterday that I crapped a doormat this morning.

George W. Bush  “You can fool some of the people all of the time and those are the ones you want to concentrate on”

Alcohol: a push-up bra for your personality…

I considered being a stay-at-home Dad until I realized the kids would be there.

What this house needs is a box of shit. Let’s get a cat.

 

The Great Nike Debate Continues 

 

 

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Cuomo Defends No-English Suicide Hot Lines

Callers to New York Suicide Hot Lines complaining their calls are being answered by Spanish and Punjabi speaking offshore operators, drew an angry response from Governor Andrew Cuomo yesterday. “You believe those nut sacks? Let’s be clear: our data show these so-called  ‘Early Exiters’  are ten times more likely to be white, owe back tax and have outstanding traffic fines.  So demanding concierge service just because they’re thinking about sucking on a tailpipe is a bit rich.   But that’s not what gets me. The call centers are in Queens and the operators are hardworking immigrants who have to know at least 100 English words before they can put on a headset. That’s about 50 more words than the vocabulary of your average Fox viewer or Post reader ”

 

Pointing out that callers who could understand the operators say they were told they had to provide a credit card,  bank pin number and buy Lotto tickets before counseling could begin, Cuomo was apoplectic  “Complete Horse Shit! The nutball has been ID’d by phone number, so we already know everything –A to Z—starting with the exact dimension of his  Grandma’s Anal pore down to the last time he had a sexual thought about a Zebra. And they are not selling Lotto tickets, they are selling a state sports betting app. I’ll tell you this: if you don’t want to go on living after hearing ‘You Can’t Win It, If You’re Not In It,” in Punjabi –what can I tell you? Musical poetry.”

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JOKES August 2018

Husband and wife sitting at opposite ends of a couch, arms crossed, staring at a marriage counselor. Marriage Counselor: “let’s start with each of you saying out loud what you both have in common ” Long Pause Husband:  “Well, for one, neither of us will suck a dick. ”

 

 

 

Steven Wright One-Liners  ( That Steven Wright Never Actually Said Out Loud )

 

Justin Bieber is marrying Hailey Baldwin  Does anyone have an hourglass?

 

Madonna, Cher, and Rihanna had a big argument. They’re no longer on a first name basis,

 

I wanted to name my son after my father, but my wife didn’t think Dad was a good name for a boy.

 

I  apologized to the chair for walking into it Let’s focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.

 

Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

 

 Supermarket: a place where you can spend a half-hour looking for instant coffee.

 

I bought some Haagen-Dazs ice cream, and as the cashier rang it up, I asked: “How do you pronounce that.” She said slowly: “Five dollars and 29 cents.”

 

I married “Miss Right” I just didn’t know her first name was “Always”

 

My friend is engaged to a pencil. He can’t wait to introduce his friends to his bride  2B

 

I have three kids named Ctrl, Alt and Del. When they mess up, I hit them all at once.

 

Racist jokes are like white people. They are the best.

 

Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?

 

Those of you who think you know it all are really annoying to those of us who do.

 

When I was a kid, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it

 

What employee evaluations really mean:

Character above reproach……….One step ahead of the law.

Exceptionally good judgment………..Lucky.

Great presentation skills……………..Bull shitter.

Independent worker…………Nobody knows what he/she does.

Experienced problem solver………………..Screws up often.

Relaxed attitude…………………Sleeps at the desk.

Career minded………………..Back Stabber.

Quick thinking…….Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.

Zealous attitude…………..Opinionated.

Meticulous attention to detail………………Nitpicker.

 

Remembering The Classics …

A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar by mistake. Sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Asks the bartender, “wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bartender says, “Listen, mister, the woman to your left is a three-time world champion weightlifter, and she’s a blonde. The woman to your right is a two-time WWE world champion professional wrestler, and she’s a blonde. And I’ve got a 12-gauge shotgun behind the bar, both barrels loaded, and I’m a blonde. Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke in here?” The blind guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Nah, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

 

Kristen Chenoweth celebrated turning 50 by becoming the tannest Hollywood actress in history. Her secret? She dipped her body in egg wash and baked herself in an oven at 375 degrees for half an hour. She says 375 is important, at 450 degrees you burn off all your hair extensions

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Kristina Bumphrey/REX/Shutterstock 

 

11 Nasty Comebacks Going Around

  1. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?
  2. Please tell me this train of thought you’re on has a caboose
  3. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither
  4. I’m trying my absolute hardest to see things from your perspective, but I just can’t get my head that far up my ass
  5. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce
  6. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d gotten enough oxygen at birth?
  7. Please, save your breath. You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date
  8. Good story, but in what chapter do you shut the fuck up?
  9. Please, keep talking. I only yawn when I’m super fascinated
  10. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than whatever you just said
  11. If I threw a stick, you’d leave, right?

 

From The Golden Grooveyard…

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while, they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope.
Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say.
He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns.
“Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?” Grumpy asks.
“No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall,” smiles the Pope.
“Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn’t have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?”
“I’m afraid not. Why do you ask?”
“No reason,” replies Grumpy.
“But you’re positive? Nobody in a habit that’s about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?”
“I’m sure, my vertically-challenged son,” says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
“Okay,” moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building.
“What’d he say? What’d he say?” chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, “He said they don’t have any.”
And the other six start chanting, “Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!”

 

11 offensive jokes going around despite the annoying backlash

 

  1. I suggested to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
  2. Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed and Driver’s Ed on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break at some point.
  3. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don’t be stupid, feminists can’t change anything.
  4. How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles
  5. What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong.
  6. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.
  7. What’s the difference between a woman and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.
  8. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
  9. My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support
  10. Say what you want about pedophiles but they do drive slower through school zones
  11. What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn’t unwrapped his present

 

What’s worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic? Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

 

My wife came into the living room and asked why our two-year-old son was crying. “He kicked me in the balls,” I snarled. “It’s not his fault,” she said, “he doesn’t understand that it hurts.” “He fucking does now,” I replied.

 

The Problem In A Nutshell

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”

The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one — we don’t have a car.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music – all that hip-hop and rap tap – but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”

The judge asked, “Is your husband a nagger?”

“Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me!”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in the hell do you want a divorce?

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The fool says he can’t communicate with me.”

 

Midterm Election Guide To How State Residents Think Of Themselves:

 

Alabama: Well.. at least we’re not Mississippi.

Alaska: Like Canada, but better.

Arizona: Papers, please. Just kidding…

Arkansas: The home of Bill Clinton. Sorry.

California: “We’re better than you, and we know it.”

Colorado: It’s the California you can afford to buy a house in.

Connecticut: “Full of pit stops when going from Boston to New York!”

Delaware: “Are you…are you talking me? It’s been years! Don’t leave!”

Florida: The more North you go the more South it gets!

Georgia: “Walking Dead and Archer: Come for the Cool.”

Hawaii: Yes, we’re technically a state!

Idaho: Please stop asking us about potatoes…

Illinois: Because Chicago isn’t big enough to be its own state.

Indiana: College Basketball!…and Corn.

Iowa: We’re relevant during the primaries!

Kansas: It’s like elevator music with grass.

Kentucky: Come for the bourbon, stay because you drank way too much bourbon.

Louisiana: Please send help.

Maine: As seen in every Stephen King novel!

Maryland: “We Have Crabs!”

Massachusetts: No, we don’t talk like that. Just stop.

Michigan: “Our main export is crippling depression.”

Minnesota: Cheese Is Good.

Mississippi: Well… at least we’re not Missis…D’oh!

Missouri: It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

Montana: “Not Even Once.”

Nebraska: CORN! and not much else.

Nevada: Come on vacation, leave on probation.

New Hampshire: 69ing Vermont for over 200 years!

New Jersey: You can’t pump your own gas.

New Mexico: Better Mexico.

New York: “The city is just one small part of our state. There’s a lot of other stuff up here.”

North Carolina: We’re the best Carolina.

North Dakota: “If we called it ‘Upper South Dakota’ instead, would you want to visit?

Ohio: Where every vote counts and the seasons don’t matter.

Oklahoma: “Oklahoma is OK!”

Oregon: “Check out all our trees, man.”

Pennsylvania: It’s Always Sunny Here.

Rhode Island: Why are we a state?

South Carolina: Better Carolina.

South Dakota: No, really. The mountain monument is in this one!

Tennessee: A little bit country, a little bit rock ‘n’ roll.

Texas: Wake up in Texas. Drive all day. Still in Texas.

*BONUS* Texas: Stop asking us if it’s the heat or the humidity. It’s ALWAYS the humidity.

Utah: Bring your wives!

Vermont: “You drove right through it again.”

Virginia: What do you mean the North won?

Washington: You know all that stuff your state wants? Yeah, we already have that.

West Virginia: Not technically the South.

Wisconsin: It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, and that somewhere is right here.

Wyoming: Why are you in Wyoming?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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