The World’s Funniest Joke – Read It At Your Own Peril
The joke we are about to reveal to you is 236 years old It has killed people. Literally. If you suffer from Chrysippus Syndrome –or even suspect you do –we urge you not to read the joke below:
WARNING: DO NOT SKIP FORWARD TO THE JOKE BEFORE YOU READ THIS
Chrysippus Syndrome is not funny. Understanding the history and symptoms of this rare but deadly killer is urgent. You may have wasted your youth in comedy clubs, watch nothing but the Comedy Channel and be known as The Funny Guy ( see Funny Guy On Jokes Page ) in your set and not realize you have it. We sincerely urge you to study this history before reading the World’s Funniest Joke
Chrysippus of Soli (279-206 BC). died from laughter at the age of 73 years old. He was a top Stoic Philosopher of his time, a prolific writer, a genius mathematician who is credited with discovering the Number One. Not kidding. Before him counting started at Two. And as we shall see, this is important :
The point is: Chrysippus was a very serious guy. In fact, on the day he expired, he was perhaps more serious than he had ever been in his life. The Athens Senate was about to elect a pervert to the highest court who got off wrapping himself tightly in seaweed and lambskin and running around the agora shouting “Watch It” (this was way before Spandex, bicycles and bike lanes obviously See Mike Bloomberg Spandex Cult ) To protest Chrysippus fed figs and undiluted wine to an elderly goat to stink up the place . Unfortunately, when they got to the middle of the Senate floor the goat keeled over and died. Then it happened:
Chrysippus was so frustrated he took his walking staff and began beating the dead goat broadside on its bloated belly. Now, remember, we are talking about a time before they had even discovered the Number One. Likewise in this primitive age, no one had ever conceived, much less heard of, a Whoopee Cushion. Can you imagine living at a time before the invention of this essential staple of humor and then hearing it for the very first time in history? Long and short: the ripping megatomic fart sound hit Chrysippus’s funny button like a ton of bricks and mere hours later, unable to stop laughing, he died with tears running down his face. A face, no doubt, writhed in agony even as he belted out his last few chuckles.
1936: 2142 Years After Chrysippus Jokesters Were Still Finding New Uses For Whoopie Cushions
These days, of course, most hospitals are prepared to deal with patients crippled with uncontrollable laughter. Nevertheless, before reading the WFJ we strongly recommend getting to know your local emergency ward staff—buy them coffee etc. This is especially important in neighborhoods with a high proportion of undocumented immigrants who could easily misinterpret your laughter in the waiting room as a form of derision and run you through with a spear or shoot a poison dart into your ass before you get to see a medical professional. If this sounds overly precautious, read on :
A Short History Of The World’s Funniest Joke
The first modern account of the WFJ killing a victim due to Chrysippus Syndrome was in London in 1782. It was told during the intermission by an actor named Bannister who was dressed in drag as the character Polly in the Beggar’s Opera. Gentleman’s Magazine reported that the audience laughed uproariously for twenty minutes but “was able to briefly compose itself and allowed the performance to continue for a brief period before the performers finally gave up.” Unfortunately, a Mrs. Fitzherbert a visitor from Weehawken, N.J. “… was unable to banish the joke from her memory, was thrown into hysterics which continued without ceasing until she expired on Friday morning.”
As a result, the WFJ was banned from public performance in the US and Europe during all of the 19th Century and half of the 20th. There are undocumented reports that intelligence services employed the joke in the Boer War, the Spanish American War, and the First World War to effect escapes and as a torture device, but they remain unsubstantiated.
An extract from Senate testimony in 1946 reveals that “Wild Bill” Donovan of the OSS decided not employ the WFJ in leaflet drops because “…the Nips and Krauts don’t get the humor. Any humor ”
But there is confirmed evidence that in 1952 as many as 20,000 Chinese and North Korean troops were so convulsed by laughter after leaflets imprinted with the WFJ were dropped on their lines they were easily rounded up and many perished in captivity from dehydration due to “infectious and uncontrollable giggling.” Also, three anonymous stars on the wall at CIA headquarters are said to be tributes to the men who died laughing while loading the plane which dropped the leaflets.
In 1956, however, the comedian Soupy Sales told the WFJ to a crowd of professional comedians at the Friars Club in New York. Sales was known chiefly for throwing cream pies at puppets and celebrities on TV and needed “a killer joke” to have any street cred with this critical audience. The joke went over extremely well and, better yet, there were no casualties. The club voted it Funniest Joke Of The Year that year and all subsequent years until Jonathan Winters told it at Robert F. Kennedy’s funeral at Arlington Cemetery after the senator’s assassination to “lighten the mood.” Despite the fact that only a few members of the Marine Corps Honor Guards had to be treated for “near terminal mirth” –a phrase coined by the pompous editor of the Washington Post Ben Bradley –the WFJ fell into disrepute after the episode.
A Final Word Of Caution
There were important takeaways from these examples from the 1950’s and 60’s that researchers say added critical clues as to why some people immediately succumb to the joke while others are seemingly unaffected and may be completely immune to Chrysippus Syndrome. Therefore :
READ IMPORTANT NOTICE AFTER READING THIS JOKE. FAILURE TO DO SO MAY RESULT IN AN AGONIZING, HUMILIATING END
The World’s Funniest Joke
A guy comes into a bar with a chimpanzee and they both climb up on barstools
Bartender: “Hey buddy FUCKIN’ MONKEYS AIN’T ALLOWED IN HERE !”
The guy calmly takes out a fat bankroll, peels off a twenty and gives it to the bartender: “ Listen, pal, the twenty is yours, just give me a double scotch. It’s a chimpanzee. They’re practically human. It won’t cause a problem, trust me.”
It’s slow, so the bartender gives him his drink. Then another. Meanwhile, the monkey is walking around looking at stuff but not causing trouble and the other customers seem amused, so cool …But then it happens.
Bartender: “ HEY FUCK FACE! THE FUCKIN’ MONKEY JUST CLIMBED ON THE FUCKIN’ POOL TABLE, PICKED UP THE FUCKIN’ CUE BALL MADE A KISS MY ASS GESTURE AT ME AND THEN FUCKIN’ ATE THE FUCKIN’ THING –HE FUCKIN’ SWALLOWED THE FUCKIN’ CUE BALL.”
Guy: “What’s a kiss my ass gesture ?”
Bartender: “HE FUCKIN’ WINKED AT ME AND POINTED AT HIS ASS …. LISTEN: GET THE FUCK OUT WITH THE FUCKIN’ MONKEY RIGHT NOW OR I’ll FUCKIN’ CALLIN’ THE FUCKIN’ COPS. !!!!!!!!”
A few weeks later, the guy walks into the bar with the monkey who is wearing a coat and tie and a derby.
Bartender: HEY PAL DIDN’T YOU READ THE SIGN OUTSIDE: “ NO FUCKIN’ MONKEYS EVEN IF ACCOMPANIED BY PAYING DRUNKS”– BOTH OF YOUSE GET THE FUCK OUT ”
Guy takes out a huge bankroll and hands the bartender 5 twenties. “Listen, I really need a drink. I can’t stand the monkey either. I’m just babysitting it because of a bad bet. I can absolutely guarantee the monkey won’t cause trouble. When he’s dressed up he always acts the perfect gentleman. Please”
The bartender stares at the twenties, then pockets the cash. “Okay, but I am warning you.”
A little while later the guy is staring deep into his third drink when the bartender screams.
“YOUR FUCKIN’ MONKEY JUST WALKED DOWN THE BAR AND TOOK A FUCKIN’ MARASCHINO CHERRY OFF THE COUNTER, PUT IT IN HIS ASS, THEN FUCKIN’ ATE IT! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT FUCKIN’ THING ??
Guy: “Yeah, sorry about that. He still eats everything he can get his hands on, but ever since he ate the cue ball he measures everything first.”
If you are currently convulsed but have taken the precaution of making friends with the Emergency Room crew where the ambulance will be taking you –be sure they do ! –you have a good chance of surviving. God Speed!
MUCH MORE SERIOUSLY : If you only chortled slightly : all too often a victim may read the WFJ or perhaps just overhear it, shrug it off and then hours even days and weeks later without warning a snippet of the joke, the image of the monkey in a derby putting a maraschino cherry up its butt, can suddenly hit. And often, at times and places totally inappropriate for howling laughter: at a funeral, at a salary review at work etc. It hit one guy when he was listening to testimony against him of sexual misconduct So be sure to carry a phone with you at all times with 911 cued for at least three weeks.
If you did not laugh at this joke there are several extremely important reasons why.
Research Psycho-Biologists at Yale University have determined people most likely not to laugh at all are comedians –especially late night comedians– actors, Democrats, Code Pink members, college professors or nuns who teach Algebra. Recall that when Soupy Sales told the WFJ at the Friars Club and no one died? That’s because professional comedians actually have IQ’s only just above sleep but have a survival gene which informs them what makes other people laugh. Same with all the others mentioned above except they don’t have the survival gene, Researchers are currently undecided as to a term for the condition, so for the moment, they are torn between calling it: Proactive Stupidity or Ocasio-Cortez Disorder