By Vincenzo F. Imbecilli Graduate Of No Girls Allowed Writers Club Writing Academy (Debit Cards Now Accepted)
Couple years ago I was hanging off the guardrail in Battery Park, about half-baked, watching an NYPD patrol boat haul in a floater when I heard this kid asking his old man about monkeys building the Statue of Liberty. Which, in case you don’t know, is right across the water from there.
Instead of banging the kid in the ear, the guy says ” You mean the French –don’t you? Listen, kid, when I say the statue was built by Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys I don’t mean real, actual monkeys. That’s just what we call the buttagots that live in France, in Europe.The reason most of the French live over there is because if they lived here the cops would make ’em register as sex offenders. like the fruit who owns the flower shop on the block. But when they get tired of playing with each others’ puds the French paint pictures and make stuff out of clay–y’ know, like your mom does in rehab. Anyway, they finally built so many statues they didn’t have room to put them anywhere so they sent over this one. That clear now?”
“No dad, you’re wrong,” says this kid. “Don’t you remember we watched that old movie when the monkeys were chasing the astronaut and he goes out to the beach and sees they built the Statue of Liberty and he goes all batshit? Did the monkeys build that before the French –or did they work on it together?”
“Good question, kid. That was the Planet of the Apes and the astronaut was Charlton Heston.What you had there was just a really dumb ending to a half decent movie.What probably happened was that they ran out of cash or film so they ended it there and didn’t bother to explain why the hell that statue was out on that beach. But I think the answer is pretty simple. Want to hear it ?”
“You bet, dad.”
“Remember it wasn’t the whole statue out on the beach, just the head and the arm holding the torch.When Heston runs out there he realizes right away the monkeys don’t know shit about scaffolding. You go to any building site in this city and you see scaffolding. You can’t build nothing higher than about two floors without it—capisce?”
“I guess so.”
“Trust me, without scaffolding Manhattan alone would cover all of Jersey and half of Pennsylvania with one story office buildings. A subway ride to work would take about four hours each way if you were lucky. Anyway, the reason Heston gets so nuts is he realizes if he hadn’t pissed off the monkeys he could’ve patented scaffolding and made a fortune. It’s really not that difficult a concept. I mean, the movie people could’ve easily explained the whole thing in a few sentences before they rolled the credits. But then again it is Hollywood, so they probably can’t say humans are smarter than monkeys because they’d have to fire half the staff.
“Does that make sense to you son ?”
“Sure does, Pop.”
“By the way, kid, you got a pretty good beard going there. How old you now?”
“Twenty Five this August, Pop.”
And Y0 — if you happen to be looking to score dust or smoke when you’re down on the Battery, look for us near Sal’s Cannoli Cart. Just ask for Vinnie or Amp